Sunday, May 8, 2011

What's Your Dream?

Just in time for mother's day... if there's a gift worth giving myself, it's the gift of knowing what I want.

I had a revelation with all of the self reflection I've had to do in the last few days:  I'm 26 years old and can outwardly admit that I still don't, well, didn't, know what I wanted to be when I grew up.  I kept having this idea that there was something more to come, that this was just a waiting stage in life that was something I had to endure.  I didn't realize it was life.  I didn't realize that I'm doing exactly what I want to do when I grow up!

Yes, ladies and gentleman!  You heard me correctly!  I can't imagine myself doing anything differently.

You see, I've thought about going back to school 100 times so that I'd have a career to fall into when it came time for kids to be in school, but the investment never seemed worth it.  I mean, I really couldn't imagine teaching kids for the rest of my life, when, all in all, I really don't mind teaching, but I would have chosen that profession simply because the schedule would allow me to be with my own kids when my kids would be available.  Period.  What a lousy reason to choose a job when obviously what I wanted to do was be with my kids!

I've been so jaded and pressured into feeling like what I do is not enough, that I've felt empty and worthless to the point of being ashamed of who I am and what I enjoy!  I've been so busy trying to figure out what I want to do, when I've been trying to manipulate what I want to do into being the same things that I perceive everyone else wants me to do.  And, you know what, the two don't coincide.  I can't do what I want to do and fulfill this image that I think people expect to see of me.

So in figuring out just how screwed up I really was, in really sitting down to analyze what I love and what I do just because I want to love it or because I think everyone else wants me to love it, I've been able to sit down and really figure out where I'd like to be in ten years when I have some free time and kids are in school, because, lets face it, the first thing I want to be is a wife, and a close second is a mom.  Period.

But my aspirations don't stop there.  Oh no!  Though I'm quite convinced that being a sahm is more of job than most 8 - 5ers will ever realize, I also have this beautiful idea in my head of what I'd like to do with my life.  Here it is articulated as best as I can muster right now.  After all, this thought is still in progress:

I want to be a mother to my children during the day.  I want to feel like what they are learning, they are learning because I invested my time and energies into their well-being.  I want to do projects with them.  I want to have play dates.  I want to change diapers and take them to the park.  I want to watch them scrape their knees the first time and be the one to pick them up and brush them off afterwords.  I want to bake cookies with them and read to them, and I want to be the one to drop them off and pick them up from school when that time arrives.  

And when that time does arrive, I want to write.  I want to overcome this fear I have of failure and risk that is involved, and I want to have a home office, or better yet, a cozy nook in a book store or coffee shop, and I want to verbally illustrate a New York Times Best Seller.  Or even a blog with 1000 followers.  I want to be read long after I'm gone.  I want to try, and even fail, because I want the taste of success to be all the sweeter.  

And when the kids get out of school, I want to pick them up.  I want to help them with their homework.  I want to be home to make supper, even though I really don't love making supper, I love being a mom.  

And when the kids go to school, if I need to sub a few days to supplement income, I will.  If I need to sell a product at home parties, I will, because I wouldn't mind doing those things either.

And I want to be able to help my husband in ministry.  I want to be able to do ministry and be good at it, and devote time to it.

But this is Alicia 'being Alicia.'  

These are my aspirations.  These are the things I want for my life.  

Now, who are you?  And what do you want with life?


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