Come on, girls, you know the quote. Julia Roberts did it beautifully in Runaway Bride as Maggie. She's talking to Ike, basically setting out to prove that she's figured out who she really is.
That's kind of where I've found myself the past few days... staring in the mirror, staring at my kids, looking at my husband, and saying, "Who am I? Where do I fit?" Not, who do they want me to be, or who did I think I was, but who am I? How do I like my stinking eggs?
And you know what the answer is? I like my eggs on bacon, egg and cheese bisquits, only from fast food restaurants. Or in cakes. Or deviled. I'll eat them scrambled at home, but only with lots of salt and a little of pepper. Besides that, I'll just pass on the eggs.
You see - one of the truths about 'being Gretchen', or in my case, 'being Alicia' (although, you must admit, Gretchen, though a name I think I'd hate if I daunted it, has a much nicer ring to it in this scenario. I mean, how unique is 'Gretchen?') is that you can choose what you do, but you can't choose what you like to do. And I admit, I completely plagiarized that from the book.
And I didn't get it when I started reading it, but now I get it.
Here's a prime Alicia example: You have even seen me blog about it. I have this deep desire of this Alicia that would love to live in the city, would love to walk to work everyday with my high heels, my pencil skirt, good hair, good job in a high rise, carrying my Starbucks cup and doing business on my iphone (screw the blackberry).
But you know what the truth is? The truth is living in the city would be awful. The constant sound at night would keep me awake, and we aren't even going to mention all of the light that would evade your room at night. And walking to work takes time, and this girl likes sleep, so even if I was just blocks away, I'd probably drive to sleep in an extra ten minutes. And who can walk in high heels anyway? If I was that girl, I'd hit my corner office and kick them off and probably curse myself a little bit about how dumb I was for wearing heels again, when realistically, I love how they make me feel emotionally, but the payoff isn't worth it physically. My good job may have a good salary, but I'd probably feel overly awful about not seeing my babies as much as I'd want to. And this is a shocker... I love the nostalgia of sitting in Starbucks, but just to go in and get a drink, really doesn't make me happy to spend the $4 when I really don't love coffee. I just like to look like I do. (Though there are a few drinks there I could drink often... but not for $4 a pop.)
And the iphone... yeah, I'd take one :)
Truth is - cities are great for me to visit. but I'd probably suck at living there, and though I wish it would really make me happy, chances are it would do just the opposite.
And I've found this underlying theme all over my life... of things I thought I liked to do, but I really only liked the idea of doing them. This made me have to step back and look at everything and say, "Do I really like...." and "What do I want to be?"
And so I'll tackle just one of those in this blog... what do I like... really? (There's only one more blog to this series, and it'll finish up the staring failure in the face idea... but this had to be established to get there... it's the simple things that make you realize the complex...)
And so here's me "Being Alicia"
- I love the beach more than any other landscape in the entire world.
- I'd much rather be inside rather than outside unless water or some other enjoyable activity is involved.
- These enjoyable activities include (but are not limited to), golf (with my husband, or children eventually, only), Cardinal baseball games (I could go to several of these a year, I love them), miniature golf, going on walks in the evening, tanning (only if I can be in the water some, otherwise it's too hot and boring), riding Segways, doing an activity like the zoo or Eckerts with my family / kids, and going to high school football games.
- I love getting massages, and I love the results of getting my nails done, but I do not overly enjoy the process of getting my nails done.
- I hate fishing and hunting.
- I love shopping, but would probably prefer to go by myself if I intend to buy anything.
- I love reading children's books.
- I hate scary movies.
- I do not enjoy CSI, Law and Order, Bones or any other murdery / crime kind of show, but I thoroughly enjoy the Biggest Loser.
- I love dressing up to go out, but if I am the only one dressed up I feel disappointed.
- I thrive on planning things.
- I don't enjoy playing with my kids with their toys, but I do enjoy watching movies with them, playing with them in the park, experiencing new things with them, and reading to them.
- I love giving and planning gifts, I also love receiving them and knowing someone has planned for me.
- I don't enjoy cooking. And I really don't enjoy the cleaning up. Baking is fun if someone would clean up for me.
- I hate having to put laundry away, but I love the smell of freshly laundered clothes.
- I want to be trendy, but apparently comfort always wins out with my tshirts. And I don't like that about myself.
- I love writing. Putting my blog post up during the day gives me great satisfaction, and hearing someone say that they've read it is even more gratifying!
- Though tiring, I thoroughly enjoy my children.
- I love a good cry now and again to bring me back in touch with love and the things I have in my life in which to be thankful.
I don't know where I lost myself, but it's been long enough in the making that now that I'm beginning to figure out who I am and what my dreams are, I'm surprised at them...
More to come on that tomorrow -