I should join a support group - or, err, an anti-support group... someone who could encourage me to relinquish some control (though, let's get real... did I really have it anyway?).
It's what I really mean when I say, "I'm type A."
It's the reason I make all of my lists.
It's the reason I schedule things.
It's the reason I crave routine.
And, you know, it's a great part of the reason we weren't going to do Santa.
Now - let me preface by saying this: I don't believe that the administrative, leadership qualities that I have are sinful. I believe they are gifts... given to me by God. However, any gift used poorly - or dare I say, any gift used aside from to bring Christ glory - can become an idol. And, from time to time, I can get a little controlling with my control. Ya'll following?
And how does this play into our decision with Santa Claus?
Somewhere along the line I got really confused. Somewhere along the line I was convinced that I am the underlying determining factor on whether my kids make a decision for faith in their lives. I did!
I thought if I read enough Jesus to them, if I prayed enough with them, if I taught them to put their dishes in the dishwasher, their clothes in the hamper, and to say 'please' and 'thank you' at appropriate times, I would lead them into a faith decision.
And you know - those things may be vitally important tools that Christ has (dare I say it, again) pre-destined for us to use with our children for Him to lead them to make a decision for faith. (Or just to not drive their spouses nuts later in life...)
I've had to come to a place of realizing that if I'm being faithful to what God is impressing upon my heart (and Aaron as well, obviously) as to how to minister to and grow His children (because, again, being honest, they aren't mine)... then it is His work that is ministering to them... not mine. I am only the vessel. It is not about me.
And you know, if I would start treating these children as if they are His, and not mine, we may hit a level spiritually in this house that we've never come to before. If I treat them as if they are His, maybe they will see Him and not me, because let's face it... I kinda suck sometimes... and "sometimes" is being generous.
And Santa? Well - he was part of the control. He was part of the idea that I could do A.), B.) and C.) and whip up a recipe for a Jesus prayer.
And then - as my controlling nature has surfaced over and over again, I see in my pinterest a letter explaining who Santa really is to the writer's daughter... and it brought up an idea about Santa that I had never even considered.
If Santa does anything for us... he teaches children to believe in something... again, dare I say, have faith in something, that they cannot see or touch. He provides hope... and joy... and not so much for gifts, but for the idea that there is someone out there who is ultimately good (by the world's definition, of course) and you know - somewhere in this letter it hit me...
Santa could be a tool.
Is he the answer? No. Will my kids be allowed to create mile long Christmas lists and sit on Santa's lap asking for toy after toy. Absolutely not. This will not be a season of want in our lives. But I hope it's a birth of the idea of belief. I hope it's the birth of thankfulness, contentment, and the joy that comes with believing in something. I pray there is a movement of Christ that reigns free in our family, because ultimately, our decision to do Santa, comes only from a contentment that we've been given the green light in the peace we feel about it.
And you know... it's not about me anyway... and I'm sure He knows what He's doing.