Wednesday, November 30, 2011

Where I've Been

Girls are supposed to think their dads are superheros.  In the twirling of a dress and the tapping of fancy shoes should be the arms of the father to sweep her off her feet. 

My grandpa passed away last Tuesday morning, surrounded by his family, after a long several weeks of fighting.  It took that long for him to die, but it only took that long for him to die.  I mean, he was still going to work at the business he owned before he got sick.  It seemed like forever of him suffering, but it felt like a whirlwind at the same time.  How quickly it happens... life really is but a vapor.  The Book says it... now I see it. 

And I hate death.  Maybe I get super theological or just want to place blame somewhere, but funerals make me think about the garden.  We came from dirt, we go to dirt... but mostly, death happened in the Garden... with one bite of fruit, with the desire to be God.  My grandpa's funeral was a visual reminder of the wrath, the awfulness, of our sin.  The pain of separation from our loved ones runs deep.  I grimace at sin.  Sin still hurts.  But sin hasn't won.  Jesus has won.

Have I mentioned that my dad had a massive heart attack 7 years ago this coming February.  It was possibly the most terrifying moment of my life.  I was six months from walking an aisle to marry my husband... and I couldn't fathom the thought of not having my daddy there to walk me down that aisle.  And you know - he almost wasn't.  There were several times we thought he wouldn't be.  And he was so young.  

And lying in that casket this past week, watching my daddy lay his daddy to rest, I couldn't help but think that 7 years ago this could have been my reality.  And I thank God so dearly that it wasn't... that in His divine plan, He chose to allow me more time with my dad.  He allowed him to meet his grandchildren, to become best friends with a little boy who would play baseball with him from sun up to sun down. 

Yet - as the eulogy was given, as my grandpa was being remembered, the words 'integrity', 'character', 'caring', and 'fair' kept coming up... and I realized something...

My dad wore that cape in my life.  He toted me around everywhere.  In the back of trucks to run dogs, on four wheelers, up to the lumber yard, or to get Fruit Stripe gum at Willi's oil.  I went with him to do inventory, to field trials, he pitched softballs to me... from a 'grown up' perspective: he has integrity, character, he's caring, and fair.  I'm so blessed with an amazing dad (and mom, for that matter.) 

And as I've gotten a little older, I now realize that the affection I feel for my own father must also be reciprocated between he and his... except they were not just father / son, they were business partners, they were hunting buddies, they were best friends.  My heart repeatedly shatters for him... at every thought.  I can't even imagine. 

And now - we live 700 miles away.  That little boy he loves so much can't even go see him.  For the first time, I'm having to deal with the distance.  I'm dealing with the idea that my dad can't frequent all of B's little league games.  I'm dealing with the fact that my parent's won't be able to make every birthday party.  And life, is, but, a, vapor.  But... I am remaining faithful.  What God promises is true... and if this is where He has us, it is better for us to remain.  Maybe B can go work summers at the family business when he's older.  If it's in His plan, I suppose. 

Anyway- I'm scattered, and trying to live in two worlds right now, and feeling a little as if I'm failing at both of them.  I'm normally pretty positive, and I will get back there, but right now, I'm in persevere mode, and I'm repeating to myself the promise that God is good, God is love, and He works together, for Good, all things for those who love Him and are called by Him.


  1. I feel for you, sister. This is all still so fresh in my mind. What God promises is true, amen. Praying for you, sweet blog friend I've never met but hold dear.

  2. Been thinking about you, girl. Hope and pray all is well, and that your heart is being renewed daily. Wondered if you'd email me your address, so I can send you a Christmas card?