It's been a long time since I revisited the side of me that must restrain myself. I'm usually a pretty composed individual... maybe a strong personality, but nice. I'll give myself that. I'm nice. But put me at a high school athletic event and apparently I lose my mind.
Tonight I had stirred up the perfect recipe for "slip up Alicia."
Hear me out. Back in 2008 when the football team went to state, Aaron and I made the trip to cheer them on, and cheer we did. I, with every stitch of my being, wanted to see those boys win that game. I wanted to see them hit harder, play better, and cry tears of joy. My heart gets wrapped up in the game. However, one thing I did not have at that state game, that, I must add, I did face tonight, was close proximity to the enemy, the other team.
I hate it enough when the other team is a football field away, and I can't make out what they are saying. I hate it even more when they are 3 yards away, and I can make out every murmur.
Fast forward to tonight's game against Murphy. I go as the chaperoning adult. Bleh. Adult. The only seats we can find for the six of us girls are on the Du Quoin side, barely, in the student section. So now I've set myself in "their world". (I must admit, I like it haha).
Again, my natural drive is "go boys, go!" (Not to mention, several of these boys have attended the youth group, either regularly, or from time to time, and to be honest, since I've become a mom, I've become very protective.)
Let me mention now that the game does not go well. At not one point in the game do we lead, and for maybe a 1/3 of the game we were in a single digit deficit.
I think I cheered pretty purely for about two minutes until I heard quite clearly the ripping apart of boys that I knew, and ones that I didn't. After that, I was flailing my arms like the rest of them. I wanted nothing more than to win, just to rub it in their face. Instead, I found it best to leave early (just a minute), knowing that if I had to deal with teenage boys acting their age in the parking lot, I may lose all witness and stoop to their level.
On top of that, I see adults absolutely acting like idiots, which enrages me to the point of wanting to hit them. "You know, ma'am and sir, if you weren't idiots your children probably wouldn't be either, and I wouldn't have to be sitting here biting my tongue in two and trying to remember who I represent. I'm pretty sure you are causing me to stumble."
I'm telling you, it brought out a side of me that I've not seen in so long, that it surprised me when it came out. I, apparently, am very competitive. Which is funny, because I don't have much skill to master anything... which may explain why I don't participate in much. I hate losing and I'm not good enough to win. Well, at least I know that much.
I don't think I "stumbled" tonight, but I was tempted more times that I would like to admit.
I've got to get a grip on this before my kids are old enough to participate, or I might be "that" parent.