Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Before I Find Relief I Should Say

There's something about the end of pregnancy that brings out the worst in you.  Maybe it's the consistent miserableness, maybe it's anxiety, maybe it's the exhaustion that comes from carrying around extra weight, not sleeping, and then being expected to deliver a small (or in my case large) human being.  Maybe it's a combination of all of them.  Whatever it is I can assure you this:  you miss it when it's over. 

It's dumb, really?  How does that make any sense?  I'm up before 6 a.m. and have been up for more than an hour for good.  I went to bed at 10:30 to try to get some sleep and escape my misery just to find I was waking up every 20 minutes to either pee, readjust because my hips or back was hurting, a contraction had woken me up, or my head just hurt bad enough to not even be able to close my eyes.  (And please don't tell me this is 'getting me ready' for all the nights up.  I personally think that is the lamest thing ever.  Getting me ready would mean me sleeping so I'm refreshed for delivery and to care for my kid.  Saying that weeks worth of nights laying awake at night gets you ready for all of the nights you will be getting up at night makes about as much sense as saying that to prepare for working 3rd shift you will just never sleep at all.  AND - I personally think it does not encourage, at all, a new mom or soon to be mom who is tired and exhausted.  That's my soapbox.) 

Anyway... even after a night like this, having had one child already (which by no means makes me an expert) I know one thing... you miss pregnancy when it's over.  You watch your baby grow up, even in the days following delivery, and you realize that you may never have the experience to carry a child again.  You mourn the movements you no longer feel.  You try to remember how tiny they were and how fragile they were.  You mourn the loss of excitement that came with every milestone: baby has fingernails now, baby can suck his thumb now, baby's gender is specific now. 

At the end with Bryton I think it is safe to say I was much less miserable.  Swelling had the only painful affect on me at that particular time (which is not fun, mind you), but I was still able to find comfort somehow.  (though not in bed)  This time around I have minimal swelling, but I hurt all over otherwise, and have been having these 'early contractions' for long enough now to have surely pushed out a small child.  It all gets very annoying. 

But even with that being said, I say it to make this point.  Whether this pregnancy ends for me today or 10 days from now (gag me with a spoon), history has proven to me that I"ll miss it when it's over.  Being a mom to two will bring a whole new set of challenges, though probably not as painful, and I'll look back on pregnancy in a totally jaded view and think to myself, "It wasn't that bad," and "I sure do miss that." 

It just happens...

So as relieved as I'll be to be able to actually sleep, lay down, find comfort, and wear clothes that actually cover my belly again, somewhere in the back of my mind I'll be able to look back with joy on this pregnancy...


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