Wednesday, March 9, 2011

The 2nd Time Around

Remembering back to when Bryton was born, I can recall having this overwhelming sense of joy.  The details I remember from that time period are so very vivid that they rival only those surrounding the 'newlywededness" Aaron and I shared many years ago. 

I can remember how our apartment smelled when you opened the door, exactly where Bryton's bouncy sat in our bedroom.  I can remember the sound of his cry the entire time I showered, every day of my life, for probably the first 6 months.  I can remember the glow of the Christmas tree in the corner, and the bask of light that illuminated his face from the star on his playmat.  I can even remember the feel of the carpet under my feet when I walked back and forth and back and forth from his room in the middle of the night. 

But there were so many things I had forgotten... until now. 

Ansley's arrival has brought back floods of memories of my first baby that my mind had forgotten or stored away in a place that I couldn't remember.  Some things were good, like the velvety softness of a babies hair, and how their heads wrinkle against your arm when you hold them, the way their eyes don't really focus on anything for sometime, and the almost unbearable overwhelming joy that comes with a babies gummy grin.  Gassy or not. 

Other things were things I thought I'd rather forget like the smell of formula burped up on my clothes, little feet that kick and flail themselves into exceedingly dirty diapers, and the feeling of exhaustion and frustration when the crying just won't stop in the middle of the night.

I had stored those memories somewhere in the "unpleasantness of parenthood" part of my brain to never be retrieved again.  Dumb, first time parent mistake. 

I realize now how quickly those phases come and go, how with each day that goes by that head wrinkle is getting smaller and smaller, the velvety hair is getting more course, and it's just one more day closer to being done with formula forever.

Though every stage is wonderful, Ansley's arrival makes me see even more how big Bryton really is, and I mean it when I say that I now appreciate that formula smell burped in my face, the filthy diapers, the shrieking cries, and even the nights awake.  Not that it's never frustrating, but I now realize how fast it is really gone.  If I could keep her this age forever, I would.  I dread that a month from now this tiny newborn will be an 'infant', and 11 months after that she'll be a toddler.  Though I can't stop her from growing up, I can do my very very best to remember every little smell, touch, and sound of this little girl who, though not my first, has completely turned my world upside down... in the best way possible. 

Sure there will be nights that I really want sleep, and meals that I'd really like to eat when everyone else does, but I have the rest of my life to do those things.  For now I'll bask and marvel and try to remember every awesome little thing about having a newborn... and I won't miss the other stuff at all. 



  1. I totally understand exactly everything you said. She's precious, girl! How are you feeling?!

  2. Totally having the same feelings right now! And this was written so beautifully it has me sitting here crying!