It's not for lack of things to say, trust me, but it seems as if everything I have to say is pregnancy related, and, you know, I'm tired of talking about pregnancy. I'm just tired of pregnancy overall really. I'm ready to talk about a new baby. I'm ready to stop being forced into conversations, with strangers half the time, about how big I am. (Seriously, when did it become socially acceptable to tell someone that??? Parents should have raised their kids better...) I'm tired of being asked when she's due. I'm tired of the sympathetic looks from people in the grocery store. I'm tired of maternity clothes that don't even fit me now. I'm tired of unsolicited advice from strangers. I'm tired of comments from men who blow off how miserable I am when they have no idea what it's like to experience what God has privileged (and I mean that seriously) us women to experience. It may be a privilege, but we all know that most good things come with great sacrifice and some pain.
I'm tired of wondering, myself, when she'll be here... I'm really just tired.
I'm tired of trying to roll over in bed at night when rolling my belly from one side to the other feels like my skin is going to pop open and all of my organs are going to fall out. I'm tired of having to use two hands to buckle my seat belt. I'm tired of being winded from standing for too long. (Hello, I can hardly sing during worship on Sunday mornings, but by golly, as long as I'm able to stand, I'm going to stand.) I'm tired of not being able to get down on the floor to play with Bryton.
And I'm tired of wondering what labor and delivery will entail for me this time. (Especially with the doctor's concerns starting two weeks ago at this point...)
It's like my life is on standby while I wait to be able to move again. I'm a spectator to a whole lot of people who have lives. (And yes, I realize that I may have a little bit of no life once the baby gets here, but people who like to point that out aren't helping me at all at this point. In fact, I'd go as far as to say that it a little bit infuriates me and tempts me to sin in my heart... so don't cause one of God's children to stumble. Thanks.)
And this is precisely why I haven't blogged. My heart is ugly right now, and I know that, but you know, sometimes airing it and exposing it helps clean it up... so I hope that happens. In the meantime, I just really need Miss Ansley to make her appearance... and it's not just me saying this, it's doctors too (who can't take her on their own right now due to hospital policy), so please join with me in praying that she makes her way soon.
Bryton was born at 37 weeks, 5 days. I'm praying she follows exactly in her brother's footsteps... that'd be Thursday. I wouldn't complain whatsoever if she came early, but I know I'll start to get really impatient (as if I'm not already) once Thursday passes.
So I'm going to try to blog more often, but when all I can think about is pregnancy and when there will be some relief, it's hard to find anything else to talk about. I'm going to try. Maybe when I feel like there is something positive to say I'll post my blog postings on my facebook again... until then, I'll write a little in secret, for those of you who read my blog anyway...