Caution: This is a debbie downer post. If you don't want to hear me whine, you can skip down to the red paragraph below. It's actually kind of funny.
Had my first legitimate break down today. So it's not the first break down I've had over the course of this pregnancy, as I've had the silly, 'wow, why am I crying moments,' but today's breakdown was an "I don't know how much more of this I can take" breakdown. Hello 35 1/2 weeks.
Saturday was the day that misery struck. I've been saying for weeks now that I wasn't miserable 'yet', but that I knew misery was right around the corner. Well, the corner has been turned.
Physically, I'm dealing with about every symptom the end of pregnancy can bring you (besides swelling ironically enough), I don't know if she's 'lightening' or 'dropping' or what, but I don't remember this much pressure and this much discomfort with Bryton's pregnancy... at least not in 'that' kind of way. Overall, it hurts to sit, it hurts to stand, and I'm so tired of sleeping on my sides when my hips already hurt that I'm hardly sleeping at all. Hello pain and discomfort.
To top off the physical side, my brutal child can't seem to make up her mind about what position she wants to be in, and when you have an 18-20 inch child inside you doing flips flops, it isn't exactly comfortable to say the least.
Which brings me to the mental frustration and exhaustion I'm feeling. Feeling crazy girl do all of the flip flops makes me completely nervous about her position. Bryton was head down from about 18 weeks on, thank you large child. He got there and stuck there. Not so for Miss Ansley. I was so concerned about where I'd been consistently feeling movement (more side to side than up and down) that I asked the dr. during my last appointment if there was any way of telling besides ultrasound. Of course, lots of pushing on the belly to find out that she was oblique. Not as bad as transverse, head in my right pelvic 'area' (but not down), feet up in my left side. "No worries," she said, "Only 3% of pregnancies aren't head down by 37 weeks."
Since then I've been able to do my own feeling around... she's been oblique a lot, there have been one or two times in the past week I could feel her feet in my ribs (yay, short lived success), but there have been other times where I can tell she's been completely transverse (side to side). I'm not even certain that for the first time this morning I didn't feel her breech, head up towards my ribs, little fluttering feet down towards my pelvis.
Long story short: I'm tired of worrying about a c-section. I've done this one way already, I certainly don't want to do it another way now. I know what to expect, kind of, during delivery this time, and quite frankly, I don't want two different kinds of battle scars.
Other mental discomfort: After chatting with the nurse on the phone yesterday about one of those lovely symptoms I'm having, I was informed that I shouldn't be carrying or lifting anything more than 8 pounds at this point and from here on out. I informed her that I had a 28 pound two year old at home... she said to do as little as possible. SO, that leaves me, who is normally independent and wants to 'get things done and get them done now' oriented can do very little on my own. Of course at a time when we have about 7 loads of laundry to do (which I can't, nor do I feel like, carry up and down the stairs now). I feel like I'm going to burn Aaron out prematurely on helping me with stuff, when I know I'm going to need even more help after Ansley gets here while I'm recuperating.
On top of that, I miss being able to play with Bryton, to be on the floor with him, to chase him and wrestle with him, to not have to worry about getting hit in the stomach on accident, to be able to pick him up and love on him. I hate it. I'll be glad to get to feel like I'm 'fun' to him again.
Overall, I feel pretty helpless.
And to top it all off, I'm not certain that Bryton's not getting a fever. Let's pray he isn't... I don't know that I can handle any sickness around here... really... I don't.
35 1/2 weeks, which means i could possibly have 4 1/2 more. Praying for a reason to for sure be guaranteed no more than 3 1/2 more. (And yes, I'd jump on the idea of an induction at this point.) Better yet, I'm sure I can't be this lucky since everything else has been different during this pregnancy, I'd take anything past 37 weeks like Bryton was. Please.
I have my first exam tomorrow... I almost want to pass all together, if she's anything like Bryton I won't see any progress until I walk into the hospital after my water breaks, and I need some positive news at this point.
Oh, and to top off the day, Bryton got into the stuff on our hutch (where he isn't supposed to be) and broke my brand new (favorite) sunglasses today. That was when the crying started...
So there's my vent... now for the kinda funny story:
Anyone who knows me knows I'm an avid list maker. Without my lists, especially now with so much going on and pregnancy brain on top of it, I'd never accomplish everything I needed and would constantly forget things. With Ansley just around the corner, I have several different lists right now (instead of my usual 'To Do List'). I have my To Do List, then I have a list of date ideas for Aaron and I throughout the year, then I have a list of To Do items for after Ansley gets here, and I have a list of what needs to be packed in my hospital bag.
As I was packing the said hospital bag this morning, I was going down the list and marking things off and this is what I saw:
Ansley Baby Book
Ansley picture outfit
Clothes for me (then a list of all of these said clothes)
Camera, Video camera
Toiletries, Hair dryer, etc
Change of clothes for Aaron
Excedrin for Aaron
(then in Aaron's handwriting I see listed) Goggles / Long Underwear
Bahahahaha! Seems like Aaron didn't read what the list was for and just assumed it was my "To Do" list, that usually has items that need bought listed on it, and jotted his needs for skiing last weekend down on the hospital bag list. OR - maybe he thinks those goggles and long underwear may come in handy in the delivery room :) It was enough to get a smile out of me this morning, and that took a lot today.