Where I've Been

Girls are supposed to think their dads are superheros.  In the twirling of a dress and the tapping of fancy shoes should be the arms of the father to sweep her off her feet. 

My grandpa passed away last Tuesday morning, surrounded by his family, after a long several weeks of fighting.  It took that long for him to die, but it only took that long for him to die.  I mean, he was still going to work at the business he owned before he got sick.  It seemed like forever of him suffering, but it felt like a whirlwind at the same time.  How quickly it happens... life really is but a vapor.  The Book says it... now I see it. 

And I hate death.  Maybe I get super theological or just want to place blame somewhere, but funerals make me think about the garden.  We came from dirt, we go to dirt... but mostly, death happened in the Garden... with one bite of fruit, with the desire to be God.  My grandpa's funeral was a visual reminder of the wrath, the awfulness, of our sin.  The pain of separation from our loved ones runs deep.  I grimace at sin.  Sin still hurts.  But sin hasn't won.  Jesus has won.

Have I mentioned that my dad had a massive heart attack 7 years ago this coming February.  It was possibly the most terrifying moment of my life.  I was six months from walking an aisle to marry my husband... and I couldn't fathom the thought of not having my daddy there to walk me down that aisle.  And you know - he almost wasn't.  There were several times we thought he wouldn't be.  And he was so young.  

And lying in that casket this past week, watching my daddy lay his daddy to rest, I couldn't help but think that 7 years ago this could have been my reality.  And I thank God so dearly that it wasn't... that in His divine plan, He chose to allow me more time with my dad.  He allowed him to meet his grandchildren, to become best friends with a little boy who would play baseball with him from sun up to sun down. 

Yet - as the eulogy was given, as my grandpa was being remembered, the words 'integrity', 'character', 'caring', and 'fair' kept coming up... and I realized something...

My dad wore that cape in my life.  He toted me around everywhere.  In the back of trucks to run dogs, on four wheelers, up to the lumber yard, or to get Fruit Stripe gum at Willi's oil.  I went with him to do inventory, to field trials, he pitched softballs to me... from a 'grown up' perspective: he has integrity, character, he's caring, and fair.  I'm so blessed with an amazing dad (and mom, for that matter.) 

And as I've gotten a little older, I now realize that the affection I feel for my own father must also be reciprocated between he and his... except they were not just father / son, they were business partners, they were hunting buddies, they were best friends.  My heart repeatedly shatters for him... at every thought.  I can't even imagine. 

And now - we live 700 miles away.  That little boy he loves so much can't even go see him.  For the first time, I'm having to deal with the distance.  I'm dealing with the idea that my dad can't frequent all of B's little league games.  I'm dealing with the fact that my parent's won't be able to make every birthday party.  And life, is, but, a, vapor.  But... I am remaining faithful.  What God promises is true... and if this is where He has us, it is better for us to remain.  Maybe B can go work summers at the family business when he's older.  If it's in His plan, I suppose. 

Anyway- I'm scattered, and trying to live in two worlds right now, and feeling a little as if I'm failing at both of them.  I'm normally pretty positive, and I will get back there, but right now, I'm in persevere mode, and I'm repeating to myself the promise that God is good, God is love, and He works together, for Good, all things for those who love Him and are called by Him.

How About Some Randomness

I've stunk at blogging lately.  I'll be honest, I've been too emotionally spent everywhere else to have much 'left over' to put on paper, er, computer screen.  So - rather than be super uber serious for today's blog, I (with inspiration from Flower Mama) decided a random blog may keep me from raining on all of your Happy Thanksgiving parades.

Speaking of Thanksgiving (and parades) - can I tell you that since for as long as I can remember I've faithfully watched the Macy's day parade on Thanksgiving morning?  It's more necessary than football, folks, I'm telling you.  One day, I will take my children (and my wonderfully obliging husband) to the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade. 

This year, though, we're settling for a little Thanksgiving meal in our temporary place, away from all of our family (and a lot of our friends).  Because of hubs' job, we haven't always been able to be with loved ones on 'the days' of holidays, but we always got to have holidays with family.  So this year will be, unusual.  I'll be honest, the hubs and the kids saves it... in fact, B saves it.  He can be rotten sometimes, but by golly, I'm watching him enjoy things like he's never been fully capable of before, and I love love it.  

Speaking of - we watched The Polar Express today.  It was actually my first time watching it too (well, that wasn't in a squished in hallway of 100 kindergartners during crummy weather, but that's another story).  It was marvelous.  Wonderful even.  And he sat through the entire thing.  He loves trains.  We're taking him on a 'polar express' ride this year at a nearby town.  I'm so stoked about it now I can't hardly contain myself. 

Back to the weather - that's going to be an adjustment.  You know what I love about this time of year?  (Be prepared... I may not be the norm.)  I love rainy, drizzly days.  I love that it gets darker sooner.  I love seeing Christmas lights through a light snow or even a drizzly rain.  I love the feel of walking into a warm house.  I love big sweaters and peacoats.  I love snowboots.  For real.  (Now, get me past January 1st and let's just move on to spring, but right now, I want the drizzly romance of winter.)  Yeah, the drizzly romance.  Oh - did I mention (aside from today) it's been like 60's or 70's and sunny?  Just thought I'd throw that out there.  I'm sure the 'nice' weather will have it's place.

So -  may as well mention it now - grandfather is still back and forth.  Not sure how much my family wants made 'public', but I'm worn out (and I'm not even there.)  I'm worn out in praying.  I'm worn out in phone calls.  I'm worn out thinking that he must be suffering.  I'm worn out searching plane tickets and worn out re-planning.  Mostly - I'm worn out in worry.  I know that the circumstances are putting stress on the family, and I worry about the health of my own parents.  Granted, circumstances can't be any different at the moment... but it seems like we are continually wondering 'will he make it, or will he not...'  And that, friends, is exhausting.

On a completely other note:  we have finally started looking in homes.  Real homes... homes that could be 'ours.'  And of course I fell in love with the first one.  It's wonderful: 3 bed, 2 bath, a study (playroom / guestroom), large living, dining, kitchen area that is all open concept, huge back yard, master bedroom with a master bath with a separate tub and shower and GI-STINKING-NORMOUS walk in closet.  Oh - and it's 5 years old and looks BRAND NEW.  I'm not excited.  I promise.  Problem?  Still waiting on our house up north to close... gotta get on that. 

So - there is still life happening here in the house, I'll keep you posted as I have energy for it! 

-A

A Change in Perspective

I love being a SAHM (Stay at Home Mom).  It's wonderfully rewarding.  I get to see my kids (under most circumstances) accomplish milestones, learn new things, and I get to contribute to their rearing. 

That being said - it is easy to fall into the mundane. 

Every day I wake up to a little 3 foot tall figure standing next to my saying, "I have a snack now?" 

I inevitably get up and get going on his breakfast, get him settled with a Mickey, and by the time I've got him settled it's Ans' turn to wake up.  And so the day goes on.  Most look much like every other, with a special thing sprinkled in here and there (because, let's face it, those take planning, and I don't have time to breathe most days, much less plan).  Tomorrow B gets to put up his first Christmas tree (of his very own, in his room) and decorate it, together with mom.  That's special, and by golly, I'm pumped.

But that's beside the point.

The point is this:  sometimes I feel like I'm going through the motions.  Same thing, different day.  What does this really matter, anyway?  Know what I mean?  I'm sure everyone in every profession feels that at some point in life. 

And God has began a work in me.

The work that I am doing with our kiddos is of eternal value.  It's not for here, it's for there.  Not for now, for later.  (And that goes for whatever job God has called you to!)

Another dirty diaper changed?  Eternal value.

Choosing to cut out paper turkeys with Bryton and make cards for grandparents (pics coming soon!).  Eternal.

Choosing to be calm when fit number 9,437 happens by 11 a.m.  It all points them to later. 

Every nose wiped (which we've done a lot of lately), every game played, every scripture taught (thanks to a dear blog friend, B has Psalm 19:14 down at this point), every cookie baked together.  That is eternal value. 

We all live different lives.  All on different journeys.  All experiencing different circumstances, yet our objective is always the same... whoever you are with, however you communicate it, in good and in bad, be glad in God and point others to Him. 

In this time of Thanksgiving, it seems an appropriate time to be so incredibly thankful for the eternal value that comes with being a wife, mother, and family planner extraordinaire.  I'll take that title any day!

-a

And Now, There's a Limp

Just when you think... well, I don't even know what I thought?  I certainly didn't think "things can't get any worse," because we are a long way from rock bottom.  I thank God everyday for our blessings... we are very blessed.  But somehow, I did think, maybe we are at the end of this yuckiness.  I mean, we've been at this for a month now.  It has to be nearing an end, right?

Apparently I was wrong.

So a little bit of back history, we found a large knot on the back of Bryton's knee in March or April of this year.  Everyone was worried (for once in my life, a little more than I was... he's a boy, he has knots everywhere) so I took him to the doctor.  Everything I had found online (yep, I'm an internet diagnoser) pointed towards a Baker's Cyst, but they are very rare in children. 

A trip to the doctor suggested just that, a Baker's Cyst.  Rare, but not impossible.  We didn't do any 'tests' to prove it, besides feeling it and confirming that it did indeed go away when his leg was bent and come back when it was flexed or extended.  Doctor's orders: 'Watch it, as long as it doesn't interfere in his daily activity or cause any pain, there's a great chance it'll fix itself in time.'  And every website I've looked at has said the same. 

And then, last night, as we were walking Bryton to bed, we noticed a limp.  Not an awful limp, but a very obvious limp, none the less.  Feeling the back of his leg, his cyst is definitely still there, and quite possibly larger.  (We just had it looked at about 10 days ago at the doctor, so I'm sure it's not that much worse, maybe we just notice it more?)  He is definitely limping on the leg with the cyst.  (Or what we think is a cyst). 

He woke up today, and he's not any better.  In fact, he's struggled up and down stairs all day.  He fell down the stairs on our porch twice tonight.  He's tripping all over the place, seemingly because he's trying not to bend the right leg...

Worrying got the best of me and I called our doctor.  He has an appointment at 9 a.m.

Please pray.  Poor guy says he isn't hurting, but he doesn't have the mobility to prove it.  I'm worried it's something more severe.  I happened on a site about juvenile arthritis today and literally had to close the page before I could read through it fully.  I don't even want to entertain the thought of a 'lifelong disease.'  (And there's very little chance it is that, but still.)

All in all - it makes me so thankful.  Overall, I have very healthy kids.  Overall, we are a very healthy family.  It makes me grateful that a snotty nose is the only ailment I have to really complain about with kiddos right now.  Praise God for a snotty nose.  That snotty nose is just a snotty nose with their health great in other areas.  Praying that news continues outside of tomorrow.

You know - he is a three year old boy whose favorite past time is playing football with Ansley's ducky by running through the house and throwing himself around like a rag doll.  His leg issues could be that he's a three year old boy.

I just want an answer. 

Thanks in advance for the prayers...

-A