Blah, and other musings

Where have I been?

I can tell you where I've not been... on the computer.  Well, not to blog anyway.

You ever think holidays are planned the way they are for a reason?

So there's Christmas (conveniently placed after my first born's date of birth).

Then you have less than two months and there's Valentine's day.

Two weeks later is my second born's date of birth.

Then Easter. 

Then, one would assume you can breathe. 

But no.

Because then is mother's day...

And father's day...

And fourth of July...

and then our anniversary...

the husband's birthday...

and one. full. month. of. nothing.

And halloween.

And it all starts again. 

Whew.  I'm tired just thinking about it. 

So when you ask what I've been doing, I say: working, cleaning, feeding, zumba'ing', planning Valentine's day, vacations, dental appointments, first birthday parties, birthday festivities, pictures, reading, making (and completing) to-do lists, going to church, viewing homes, crunching numbers, etc, etc, etc, etc. 

You know what else I haven't been doing (ahem, besides blogging faithfully)?  Running or writing. 

I have not given up... I just have to schedule better. 

And that's currently what I'm working on.  The schedule.  But I think I may have to run week one again.  Zumba almost slaughtered me the other night. 

Anyway.

Know what's frustrating?  It's frustrating putting a bid in on the third house since we've moved and having a pretty good clue that you're not going to get it.  (Even though the bid is $12,000 over the asking price.  $12,000, folks.) 

You know what's frustrating?  Having an almost one year old and a house that's not baby proofed.  Finding out that listing prices on homes mean nothing.  Realizing that more than $7,000 of that $12,000 over the asking price would go straight as realtor fees (not as if we will get it anyway).  Not having all of your stuff out... for 6 months... with children.  Half of your clothing.  Half of your pots and pans (and of course, not the ones you really need), half of your dishes... half, half, half. 

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful.  Very.  God has provided us a place to be at the perfect price until He's prepared to place us somewhere.  And I know it's in His timing.  My heart just aches and yearns to be settled, and each time we feel the 'go ahead' to place a bid, I find myself becoming emotionally attached to the home. 

Like this home... it has an ah-mazing backyard.  Ah-mazing.  Large.  Fenced.  Iron-fenced on the back, opening to a greenbelt.  A view of the fountain and the pond, a walking trail behind.  Like I said... ah-mazing.  Best. yard. yet. 

But I've got the scissors out and ready to cut the strings that attach me. 

And I keep stalking realtor.com wondering when the day will come. 

Always praying for His will -

Don't wanna jump the gun, or be somewhere besides where He wants us. 

There's the blah...

How about some pictures soon?  Of the kiddos?  Next post, I promise. 

Until then...

A

More Than a Conquerer

Can I tell you that when you get your heart and head set on doing something, life gets really, really hectic.  Like all of the world is trying to hinder progress, crush your dream, you get what I'm saying? 

So I'm showering the other day, thinking and trying to advance plan when I'll be able to get in my next two runs this week.  Trying to think about when I'll finish this book I'm reading.  Trying to figure out when I'll get to work on the one I am writing, when I thought to myself, "Maybe now is not the time.  Maybe I can't do this.  Maybe I should put it off.  Maybe I am not capable."  

And then, a little voice inside my head said, "You are more than a conquerer."

And that's when I realized something about myself, even when I have a dream about something, my expecting about myself is to get through it, not to excel.  I just want to accomplish it and move on, to say that I did it, not to say that I did it well. 

It's sad, at the very least.  

But yesterday I got it.  I have not been designed to merely get by.  Oh no.  I have been designed to be more than a conquerer, to be more than all I can be.  I've been designed to be all God can be through me.  It must be true that these dreams that continue to reignite in my heart over and over and over again are God breathed.  Do you know how long I've felt like I should write a book?  Or had the desire to write a book?  A very long time.  Do you know how many times I've started a book and not finished it? Several.  

I can't imagine God's patience with me.  I'm on board, and then my ADD comes out and I'm thinking about chicken or something.  Yet I'm always brought back to it.  

Inside me has lived this fear of being less than, of not being good enough, of finishing a book and it never being read, of passing out during the twelfth mile of a half marathon (or worse, the second mile lol), but in Him I am more than a conquerer.  

I don't just have to skim by by the hair of my teeth... I can do this.  I can go on.  I can continue.  He in me... more than a conquerer.  

I've posted it visually in our house.  I need the reminder.  I can't do it because I put my mind to it... I can do it because through Him, I am more than a conquerer... 

Until next time - 
A 

You Want to Know How Out of Shape I Am?

So tonight I went to run.  It's a little cold for my liking so I decided to go run the treadmill at the gym.  It's a good thing.  The ground keeps going under my feet which makes the lazy in me keep going. Especially when I accidentally did the wrong day on my C25K app.  You heard me... wrong day. 

What does that mean?  That means instead of running my 60 second / 90 second intervals, I was running 90 seconds and walking 120 seconds.  Okay, okay.  For any normal, physically able person, this should not have been any big feat.  And okay, so I only had one day left of week 1's running, but still, it had become familiar, easy, comfortable.  (Ok, it wasn't comfortable by a long shot, but it was a heck of a lot more comfortable than an extra 30 seconds here and there!  Yes, I suck, rather literally  - as in sucking air - at running.)

But you know what, I put one foot in front of the other enough times to complete that run, running every bit of the run time and walking at 3.5 for the walk time (this is a brisk walk, folks, brisk, I mean, considering I just birthed two children.  Be aware, I will use this excuse until my kids are grown.  I can hear me now, "Abs?  I don't have abs?  I just had a baby, oh what, it can't be any longer than 20 years ago!") 

Anyway - why do I share with you my humiliation?  My admitting that to literally run a half mile (in interval format) I was completely spent and pushing myself like mad?  My admitting that I ran on {gasp} a 5 on the treadmill... I know, I know.  My admitting that I almost decided to quit right there?  "Why?" you ask?

I'll tell you why.

Inspiration.

Friends, if I can do this... if I do accomplish this... there is not one excuse you can use.  Granted, I have all of my limbs and what not - but I won't doubt to see myself passed by a man minus a leg at the big 'race' this year.  Seriously, I'm that out of shape.  But you know what, I have my limbs, and if I ever lost them, I'd be mad I didn't run a half marathon when I was "good and able", so, I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this.

I'm going to do this. 

Breathe. 

-A

Be the Stream

Occasionally you find a rare gem on facebook... do you like the two time words I used there?  Occasionally and rare?  Sure, they go together.  Anyway - today I found one of those on a friend's status update.  It read:

In the battle between the stream and the stone, the stream wins, not by strength but by unrelenting perseverance. 

 I won't lie, I've had a major problem with perseverance in my life.  From the time I was young I was kind of a wanderer.  I've come to accept that this is much how I am by nature.  God has made me this way, but it sure makes life hard sometimes.  Here are some examples:

• I did well at school because everything went from test to test to test to test.  Finals were hard for me in high school, and I always aced them, but it was because, even though there was a great deal of information to retain, there was an end in sight.  
• I started and quit more hobbies in my life than most kids.  Dance. Check.  Tumbling.  Check.  Softball.  Check.  I wanted to be a 'natural' at something, and if I didn't perfect it from square one, count me out. 
• I was a poet long before I was any other kind of writer.  Poetry was easy.  I could sit down in one attempt and finish a poem and find it perfect (enough for me anyway) when it was over.  Instant gratification, I guess you could say.  But really, I just didn't have to trust myself to come back to it.  
• I start going to the gym. 
• I start new routines with the kids. 
• I start writing a new book. 
• Yada yada yada yada. 

 If I were a {real} runner, I'd be a sprinter, not a marathon {or half marathon} runner.  I don't know perseverance.  Not in a way that's seemed real to me.  

I think the undercurrent is, if I have to vest a lot into something, only to not succeed, I've only wasted a whole lot of time.  And that all comes down to self esteem.  The stream knows, somehow, that it will win in the end... and somehow I've got to be the stream.  

Unrelenting perseverance... I need to go run. 

-A