Monday, February 23, 2015

When God Waits On Me

I've spent much of my life contemplating what I wanted to do when I grew up. Think about it. I'm 30. Generally, somewhere around toddler-hood people start filling your brain with the 'you can do whatever you want to do when you grow up' jargon, by somewhere around 1st grade every school-going lad wants to be a teacher when they grow up (me included), and by 6th grade they are handing you a skills assessment and revealing to you your destiny. To say I've contemplated 'the rest of my life' since I was a kid is an understatement.

How that affects us - much to my dismay - when I not only graduate high school, but also college, wondering what in the world God wants from me! Worse... how much of a disappointment I must be to God, who certainly has directed me and made painfully clear what He has planned, and I've missed it. Sure, they say you can be anything you want to be (which I have theological issues with, anyway, but that's another blog for another time), but what if you have no idea what that is?

For people who are type A, as I am, it's torture. It feels like failure. It feels like disappointment.

I've prayed many, many, many times in my life for God to write it on the wall in the middle of the night, for Him to speak to me in a dream, I've physically yelled, "HERE I AM, LORD, SEND ME!" and here I've sat.

But ---

I now know... I wasn't ready.

In days of late, I feel closer than I've ever been. I feel like I may be onto something here. I feel like He may finally be removing the scales from my eyes. Loose ends abound. Questions still remain, "Is this my dream or is it God's will? And my prayer pleads, "Your will be done, Lord, not mine." But that means I have to aspire towards it. It means I have to make action steps, because maybe this dream of mine was born when I was. Maybe when the Lord knit me together, He knit me together for such a time as this.

And my 20 year old self, yes, well, she wouldn't have entertained this idea. In fact, the thought would have never occurred to her.

My 25 year old self, she would have laughed and waved it off. She would have been Jonah and run completely the opposite direction.

I don't even think my 29 year old self was prepared for this.

And the moral of the story is this: if you are 5, 15, 25 or 105 and don't really know where life is heading, push into Him. He'll either tell you or He'll be silent, and if He's silent, it's because you aren't ready for it yet and He's prepping you every. step. of. the. way.

I'm 30. For the first time I have a real dream with an end goal. It's my 30 year old dream, not to be confused with what He'll do in my life for my 40, 50 or 60 year old dream, but I thank God for His faithfulness and wisdom in holding out on me, for my own good.

Prayerfully pushing forward and praying God's provision in opening doors -


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