All I Know is I'm Not Home Yet

Boy - is that the truth.  Let me give you a short recap:

• August 2011 - Start packing previous home.
• November 2011 - Offer in on our home of our dreams. 
• Next day, instructed to give our best offer.  
• Three days later the verdict comes in:  we lost the house. 
• December 2011, put an offer in on a 2nd house.  
• Next day: multiple offers on the table, we are again instructed to put in another offer.  
• Next day: Notice that we've been outbid. 
• February 2012:  Find another house.  Make another offer. 
• One week later we get notice, offer accepted, we're under contract! 
• Two weeks later the inspection shows $17,000 of foundational issues.  We opt out.
• 2nd week of March - put an offer in on 'the house'.
• Four days later - received word that there were multiple offers on said house and to bring our best offer. 
• Two days of prayer, petition, and discussion.  Conclusion.  Our offer stays. 
• Three more days of excruciating waiting to find out that our offer was accepted, contingent that we'd close no later than April 26th. 
• 2nd Week of April - we still have no news as to where to deliver our earnest money. 
• Word finally comes in at 4:30 p.m. and must be overnighted that day to the title company.  Thank you for the two weeks of making us wait and the 30 minutes notice to get it to you. 
• April 26th comes along... no closing. 
• Closing is pushed to the first week of May.  
• Seller cannot make the closing so we are forced to get an extension on our rate lock, good through - oh - today. 
• Tentative closing at 2:00 p.m. today... then 3:00... then 4:00... 
• As of 5:25 today - there's a small chance we may close Monday... if not, it'll be next Friday. 

And this whole time, I can only believe God has been trying to grow and move me somehow... to develop some part of me that had begun to atrophy.  Looking at the history (and the above list), I felt for sure it had to be patience.  Well - I felt for sure - as it's the most obvious option - but it just hasn't felt right.  But I've pursued it anyway.  

And you know - I have grown in patience.  Don't get me wrong, there have been times throughout this journey that have left me infuriated.  I have in no way walked through this with a halo and gleaming smile, however, I've found peace and joy throughout the process at times where there should not have been any.  A 'type a' personality, I've needed a place to nest and develop and raise my babies.  I've had a longing to just be, to make memories, to start over, and somehow there have been times where I've really felt 'ok' about the uneasy circumstances.  So - the growing in patience, has happened... but God had made it evident that there was more. 

And before I continue, please don't misunderstand me, in no way do I claim to have this figured out.  I'm only seeing one perspective of our current situation where as God sees and hears and feels every perspective, so I'm sure I'm missing a myriad of details - but I do claim to get one thing.  

Throughout this entire journey, that longing I talked about, has been so strong that it's made me anxious, uncomfortable, and unsettled.  There's been this belief inside me that a house... brick and mortar... would satisfy that.  

And you know - it will be nice to have some brick and mortar. 

But (and let's be honest, you knew that word was coming...)

My anxiousness and unsettledness should come from the desire and longing I have for my real home, the only place I really belong... the only place I really fit.  And - ladies and gentlemen - brick and mortar of any kind should not be able to fulfill the part of me that should cringe and cry out that I'm not home yet!  

You know - for the past several months the Building 429 song "Where I Belong" has stirred some major emotional undercurrents in my heart.  Tonight - the lyrics "all I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world, and give me Jesus... this is not where I belong."  I get it.  

My prayer and desire is that the anxiousness I feel for a physical, earthly home would be only a teardrop in the ocean of anxiousness I feel for my real home... the place where I live forever with Jesus.   Didn't He call us to 'hate' those we love in comparison to the love we feel for Him?  If so - wouldn't the 'things' of this world not even compare to the place that He has prepared for us with Him?  In Him?  

May my desires be so great for the things of the Lord that I would feel alien, uncomfortable and unsettled in this world, and long for the day I may dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  

Amen.