Sometimes...

I feel like a bad parent.  And, no, it's not just the days where I'm overly impatient, or the days where they are overly misbehaved (I guess that is in reference to Bryton, Ansley doesn't exactly misbehave just yet), but rather, I'm talking about the days where I feel like I just. need. a. break. 

Ya know what I mean? 

We spent a weekend with my in-laws, and by all means of the word, we technically got a bit of a break.  When grandparents are around, there is a lot of sharing responsibility, mostly because they desire to do the things that we take for granted.  (Changing diapers, making bottles, washing bottles, feeding children, and reading Christmas books over and over and over again.)  So, it's fair to mention, we had plenty of help this weekend. 

But with our traveling this time came much later bed times than I'm used to (to have to be up as early as I have to be with kids...), which meant extra exhaustion on my part. 

Add on top of that a two year old who hasn't napped for 2 days (and the one 3 days ago was cut short by about 1 1/2 hours) and a 4 month old whose naps have been awful for 3 days, and I have two very exhausted children. 

Add the exhaustion of momma with the exhaustion of babies and you have a very stressful situation.

Add to that the traveling and unpacking that comes with getting home, and the added stressor that hubby had to set up the church this evening, leaving said exhausted mom to bathe (only one successfully) and put to bed children (mild train-wreck this evening) by herself, all while trying to get unpacked and prepared for church tomorrow morning. 

And if that's not enough - said exhausted 2 year old decided in the middle of Ans' nighttime bottle (the only time we 'feed' her to sleep) to have every bit of an awful meltdown, meant this momma put her to bed utterly awake and after a full 20 minutes (of other tasks that had to be done), she was still in there talking.  (And this mother screams internally - Please! Just go to sleep! AHHH!)

And the icing on the cake:  said talking child is sleeping her first night in the bottom of her pack n play, as her well check last week confirmed our suspicions that she is indeed too heavy now to be in the bassinet part.  And so - any change in sleeping adds to myself utter worry because when a child is sleeping through the night, you do whatever possible to prevent that from changing. 

And I feel very heavily burdened.  Ridiculous?  Maybe.  But it is fact. 

Did I mention, the melted down child was urged quickly to go to time out (which, of course, contributed to the meltdown), and once Ans was put down (to talk and chatter and suck away of course), he was put immediately to bed himself (a half hour early), and was asleep, passed out within moments (not even minutes) of me leaving his room. 

Ahh - to be able to sleep and lack responsibility. 

I need vacation... for the soul purpose of being able to go asleep with zero threat of being wakened and so I can sleep as late as I want...

And that is why I sometimes feel like a bad parent.  I do appreciate them, and I do not take them for granted... and I love them both more than life sustaining things like sun and air, but I think it's safe to say, with proper rest, I could display that love so much better...

With the hopes of more patience tomorrow ---
-A