After-all, this life significantly effects the afterlife.
And it seems with every layer deeper I come into my relationship with Jesus, another layer is - quite painfully - peeled back from myself. The one who knit me together, who has known me from the foundations of the Earth, is offering me glimpses of the girl I never knew existed within me. Sometimes it's dark, sometimes it's deep, and quite frankly, sometimes it hurts.
This time around a painful question has been lurking in the deep places of my brain, "What would be missed about you if you weren't here?" It's been brought to my attention in my family life. If something were to happen to me tomorrow, what would be the noticeable difference of my being gone? It's been a painful time to explore this - as B is definitely preferring Aaron at the moment, and my honest fear is that the cooker / cleaner / planner extraordinaire would be gone. Things may not get done as quickly, but would my laughter still echo in their hearts? Would they miss my playing with them? Would they long for a hug specifically from me? Would I leave any legacy for them to carry forward?
I ask the same question in my jobs.
In my relationship with my friends.
In my church.
In my relationship with my neighbors.
I'm a doer, and though I love deeply, probably more deeply than any know, I think it gets lost in translation. I'm Martha. I love, but I can't put the to-do list down to do it properly. I can't shut up. I can't rest in the love between myself and others. Every silence must be filled, every second occupied.
It's insecurity. It's wanting to be wanted. It's wanting to leave something lasting for those people I yearn deeply for, pray deeply for and love more than my own life. Ultimately - if I were to pass tomorrow with the laundry done, it'd need to be done again before I was in the ground. If I pass tomorrow having had played hard with my kids today - they'll remember that forever.
What the Lord is stirring in my heart is a critical shifting of priorities, stressors, worries, and fears and should dramatically change my relationships with people, but as usual, it's a tall order and I'm short on faith and ability. God must make these changes in my heart and they must then present in my walk. I'm praying for a compassion and love to flow freely from this vessel, genuine and sincere. Love well to be loved well. Who I am in Christ --- not just what I've done...