All I Know is I'm Not Home Yet

Boy - is that the truth.  Let me give you a short recap:

• August 2011 - Start packing previous home.
• November 2011 - Offer in on our home of our dreams. 
• Next day, instructed to give our best offer.  
• Three days later the verdict comes in:  we lost the house. 
• December 2011, put an offer in on a 2nd house.  
• Next day: multiple offers on the table, we are again instructed to put in another offer.  
• Next day: Notice that we've been outbid. 
• February 2012:  Find another house.  Make another offer. 
• One week later we get notice, offer accepted, we're under contract! 
• Two weeks later the inspection shows $17,000 of foundational issues.  We opt out.
• 2nd week of March - put an offer in on 'the house'.
• Four days later - received word that there were multiple offers on said house and to bring our best offer. 
• Two days of prayer, petition, and discussion.  Conclusion.  Our offer stays. 
• Three more days of excruciating waiting to find out that our offer was accepted, contingent that we'd close no later than April 26th. 
• 2nd Week of April - we still have no news as to where to deliver our earnest money. 
• Word finally comes in at 4:30 p.m. and must be overnighted that day to the title company.  Thank you for the two weeks of making us wait and the 30 minutes notice to get it to you. 
• April 26th comes along... no closing. 
• Closing is pushed to the first week of May.  
• Seller cannot make the closing so we are forced to get an extension on our rate lock, good through - oh - today. 
• Tentative closing at 2:00 p.m. today... then 3:00... then 4:00... 
• As of 5:25 today - there's a small chance we may close Monday... if not, it'll be next Friday. 

And this whole time, I can only believe God has been trying to grow and move me somehow... to develop some part of me that had begun to atrophy.  Looking at the history (and the above list), I felt for sure it had to be patience.  Well - I felt for sure - as it's the most obvious option - but it just hasn't felt right.  But I've pursued it anyway.  

And you know - I have grown in patience.  Don't get me wrong, there have been times throughout this journey that have left me infuriated.  I have in no way walked through this with a halo and gleaming smile, however, I've found peace and joy throughout the process at times where there should not have been any.  A 'type a' personality, I've needed a place to nest and develop and raise my babies.  I've had a longing to just be, to make memories, to start over, and somehow there have been times where I've really felt 'ok' about the uneasy circumstances.  So - the growing in patience, has happened... but God had made it evident that there was more. 

And before I continue, please don't misunderstand me, in no way do I claim to have this figured out.  I'm only seeing one perspective of our current situation where as God sees and hears and feels every perspective, so I'm sure I'm missing a myriad of details - but I do claim to get one thing.  

Throughout this entire journey, that longing I talked about, has been so strong that it's made me anxious, uncomfortable, and unsettled.  There's been this belief inside me that a house... brick and mortar... would satisfy that.  

And you know - it will be nice to have some brick and mortar. 

But (and let's be honest, you knew that word was coming...)

My anxiousness and unsettledness should come from the desire and longing I have for my real home, the only place I really belong... the only place I really fit.  And - ladies and gentlemen - brick and mortar of any kind should not be able to fulfill the part of me that should cringe and cry out that I'm not home yet!  

You know - for the past several months the Building 429 song "Where I Belong" has stirred some major emotional undercurrents in my heart.  Tonight - the lyrics "all I know is I'm not home yet, this is not where I belong, take this world, and give me Jesus... this is not where I belong."  I get it.  

My prayer and desire is that the anxiousness I feel for a physical, earthly home would be only a teardrop in the ocean of anxiousness I feel for my real home... the place where I live forever with Jesus.   Didn't He call us to 'hate' those we love in comparison to the love we feel for Him?  If so - wouldn't the 'things' of this world not even compare to the place that He has prepared for us with Him?  In Him?  

May my desires be so great for the things of the Lord that I would feel alien, uncomfortable and unsettled in this world, and long for the day I may dwell in the house of the Lord forever.  

Amen.  

To My Kids, So They Know --

To my babies --

I feel compelled to write you at this point.  At this point, while you are sound asleep in your beds, favorite blankets and stuffed animals in tow, and while you think I hang the moon.  A confession - I assure you, indeed, I did not.  (Nor would I want that responsibility.)

Before I continue, allow me to first say that there's little on this Earth I wouldn't do for you.  God has given you to me as a blessing and a responsibility that I do not take lightly, and I count it joy to have the honor to be your mother.  Your smiles light up my day.  You make me laugh - that good belly kind of laugh - and you make me worry - that make life worth livin' kind of worry.  I cannot imagine my life without either one of you.

As you grow older I hope I do well in guiding you and teaching you about real friendship.  I'm praying already for the best friends that will come into your life, that they'd pressure you and guide you to only things that are good and right and true.  I pray that they'll call you out  as needed, affirm you as needed, and offer encouragement.  I pray now that God would already be giving them wisdom.  And at this definition of 'friend' - I hope one day you will consider me one.

Because, know, kiddos, our relationship will not always be easy.  There will be things I ask you to do that you will not want to.  There will be things that you will ask to do and I will not let you.  There will be times when I seem unfair, that I don't 'get it', where you won't understand the answer to 'why'.

And I hope that you know, that I and your father have taken none of this lightly.  Even the smallest speckling of decision we have prayed over.  Just this weekend I prayed for wisdom on whether to take you outside in the depth of allergy season.  Believe it or not - I don't want you miserable.  I hope that you trust us, as God holds us responsible, to seek Him first in guiding you.

So just a few things to get straight off the bat, for current and future situations:

- Bryton, I ask you to put away your clothes and pick up your sister's cheerios off of the floor not to be cruel.  I ask you to do these things (as well as both of your chores in the future) so you can learn to care for yourself and to also to care for those who can't.  I want you to know the satisfaction of succeeding at a job well done, of accomplishing a task, and ultimately, giving glory to the one who enabled you to do such things.

- Time out isn't intended to be an isolated punishment of not getting to play with your favorite things for a period of time.  It's an opportunity to think on how things could have gone differently.  It's giving you an opportunity to feel sorrow and choose to rectify the situation.  It's the chance to calm down and sort through.

- We do forgiveness in this house.  We ask for it.  We grant it.  That's why I've come to you (even at three) and requested your forgiveness from time to time.  It's humbling, but necessary, and you will be expected to do the same, inside and outside of this family.

- The same reason that we tell you now not to touch the stove, sharp knives or run into the street is the same reason we'll tell you some day not to text while driving, drink before your of age, or have premarital sex.  The stove, the knives and the street are not necessarily bad things, but with age and maturity we learn when and how to use them properly.

- Church is not, and will never be, a punishment.  As a member of our household it is our joy to worship and obey the one who loves us and leads us, and out of grateful and thankful hearts we will worship Him in Spirit and in Truth.  Our faith (as in, your father's and I), prayerfully, will be evident in our lives to the point that you'd want nothing more than to be part of it.  He really is that phenomenal.  


- Ansley - I pray there will never be conflict regarding what you wear, but alas, believe it or not I have been that age before.  Your clothing will not be made a big deal of, but be aware, clothing bought with your father's wage (or mine.. or grandmas for that matter) will be approved by yours truly.  Clothing bought by yourself with your own wage apart from your parent's will be monitored as you walk out the door.  Spend wisely, darling.  Those articles deemed 'no', do not get returned, the money does not go back in your pocket.  Don't pass go.  Don't collect money.  ;) I do want you to be cute... and we'll make it happen, appropriately.  (Mommas - and daddies for that matter- we are responsible if our daughters are not dressed modestly.  They are in your care, be responsible for them.  One day they'll thank you for this... trust me.)

- To you both - there will be no fit throwin' in athletics.  I don't care if the ump is blind as a bat, if he calls a strike and it's over your head, he's the authority figure.  (But swing at it next time ;)

- Whatever it is - it's what's for dinner.  And trust me - I have learned your pallets, both of yours, and I will try to somewhat accomodate you both in our menu planning.  That being said, there will be no complaining or fussing about dinner.  It is dinner.  You will eat it or you will go hungry.  

- There will be times that you will ask if you can do this or that or go here or there and you may even pull the "but so and so's mom is letting him/her line."  And child, I am responsible for you.  See the note above.  I do not want you miserable, but for each unique situation there will be a reason that we want to protect you, guard you or guide you... I pray that you'd trust us.  It's because you're loved.

- There will also be times that we'll SUGGEST you stay out past curfew, eat ice cream for dinner, or go  hang out with friends.  Let this be a reminder that we are not killjoys out to make you miserable.

- And though there will be thousands of other issues arise that we will work through together - let my final note be this.  This momma would go through hail and high water for you both.  I'd take a bullet in a second.  Step in front of a moving car.  I'd even risk you calling me names or despising me for awhile, if it kept you safe.  And the latter of those scenarios will be the most likely and the most painful.  Throughout it all, know that because of Christ in me there is nothing you can do to take away this mother's love.  Nothing to diminish it's value.  When you need me, I'll be there for you... to talk, to weep, to advise, or just to listen.

I've become to great things because God has so called me and blessed me to them - a wife first, and a mother.  And I consider it pure joy to be both.

For mother's day, 2012... you are my gift.

A little bit of sanity

Let's all just breathe - shall we?  That seems to be a constant reminder for me at this point.  One breath at a time, one day at a time... oh - and can I mention that we still don't even have a closing date on our home? Because we don't.  Not - even - a - date.

And our extension we signed was good through next Friday.  Everything has to be done by Tuesday for us to even have a chance to close by then.

To say the timing is... inconvenient... is an understatement.  Granted - and this is what I keep reminding myself - it could be worse... much, much worse, but at this point it could be June before we get moved due to timing and scheduling conflicts.  June, folks.

May I mention that tonight was supposed to be our first night in said house?  May I also mention that the pool was opened in our community yesterday... and it's been mid-nineties here?  Just sayin'.

So I'm doing my best here... hanging tight.  Kinda.

Anyway --- that was all to fill you in.  Let's talk about something else... shall we?

It'll get my mind off of things.  Again, kinda.

So tell me --- do you all have that 'collect all' spot?  The place where all the junk gathers?  You know, keys, mail, stray guitar picks?  Oh wait, that last one may just be our house... anyway... I'm tired of it.  I like everything to have a place, and to be honest, I'm tired of cleaning it all up.  And so I decided I needed a work space... some organization... and here was my first addition:

The dear husband purchased this roll top desk for me... a place to store my computer, work on my book (hello weighing on my shoulders... ugh) make out the bills, etc.

It has tons of cool storage and should really prove as a place for me to be able to run the household (and maybe relax and retreat a little?).

Don't mind the Scentsy box under the desk... it's one of many that has been packed (only to sit).  I'm lucky my 'new to me' desk isn't covered...

And the other day - the hubs brought home flowers.  Free flowers (even better!), and they've been hanging out on our dining room table.  The color makes me happy... a little bit of happiness hanging out is always appreciated.

Anyway - hopefully better news next time...
A