The Here and Now

I do not dare to convey that we've walked through the worst of times. We have not. In fact, most of my days have been easy. I was twenty-six when I lost the first person I was close to, a grandparent. Granted, I would lose two more over the course of a couple years, but that isn't the intention of this story.

You see, I wasn't naive. You can only be a Christian so long - well - you can only be a human being, really, to know that life isn't always easy. We are all on this ride together and inevitably pain, hardship, and unfavorable circumstances will greet us all, often unexpectedly. I was keenly aware of this fact. I often had lie awake at night wondering if this would be the last 'normal' night of our lives.

"Beloved, do not be surprised at the fiery trial when it comes upon you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you." - 1 Peter 4:12

Maybe I am a pessimist and a worrier, and maybe I am just a realist, but when our current trial came I was in no way expecting it to look, feel, or effect us as it did. By the grace of God, my family is intact, we have our health, and we have seen true friends that have stood alongside us, but the level of surprise, hurt and anger felt over the past many months have been exhausting. Literally, a good portion of our days, most waking moments, are lived in some way dealing with the aftermath of it all. I understand now when people say an experience is 'all consuming'. It is not only in thought, but in deed. 

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest." - Matthew 11:28

I have not blogged much in the last four years. I haven't neglected the blog due to lack of desire... rather, lack of inspiration. The Lord has been so good and so faithful in our lives over the last four years. In many ways, these have been some of the sweetest moments of our lives. The husband had been more satisfied in work and ministry than ever, our sweet babies were growing through what I believe may always be the most precious moments of life (not that they don't have many more to come), and we have made incredible friends, many whom feel like family. My relationship with the Lord was real and vibrant, and the Lord showed me things about Himself each and every day, but the desperate need that I'd once felt for Him was not as prevalent amongst  the roses. 

"If you want God's grace, all you need is need..." - Timothy Keller

"When the righteous call out for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all of their troubles.  The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18

And then the bottom fell out. The storm rolled in. The rock gave way. The fire came. And so did pain. And so did anger. And so did doubt. And so did Jesus. Jesus came. 

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy. I came that they may have life and have it abundantly." - John 10:10

Abundance. It doesn't always look how we expect it to appear. Abundance for me right now has come in many ways. It has come in the music and talk radio to and from school each day. It has come in the church service we choose to visit each week. It has come through the words of friends and family. It has come through scripture posted, well, just about everywhere. It has come in the devotional books of my children, and it has come through the most unexpected sources... and though we have great need... we have an abundance with Jesus. 

For two weeks I've felt the Lord impressing on me that at this moment He may be less concerned with our upcoming destination and more concerned with our journey getting there. Maybe God's intention with this season in our lives is not to see us in a particular place, but to see us grow in a particular way. For we are not there yet... we are here, and it is in this present moment that He desires to meet with us, to grow us, to firmly foot us deep into the foundation of this faith He has birthed within us. Today, today I was led into this scripture at church:

"But God led the people around by the way of the wilderness toward the Red Sea. And the people of Israel went up out of the land of Egypt equipped for battle.  Moses took the bones of Joseph with him, for Joseph had made the sons of Israel solemnly swear, saying, “God will surely visit you, and you shall carry up my bones with you from here.”  And they moved on from Succoth and encamped at Etham, on the edge of the wilderness.  And the Lord went before them by day in a pillar of cloud to lead them along the way, and by night in a pillar of fire to give them light, that they might travel by day and by night. The pillar of cloud by day and the pillar of fire by night did not depart from before the people." - Exodus 13:18-22

It is the culmination of the Lord's whisperings in a big, loud yell. He isn't only walking with us through this wilderness, He is orchestrating it. Every nook, every cranny, every extra step and restep. Sure, it'd be shorter to go from here to there, but the long way leads us nearer to Jesus. The wilderness may be the most uncomfortable, but Jesus is near to the broken-hearted. He is near and He is protecting us. 

Lauren Chandler says, "sometimes He wrings the worship from our hearts." 

I believe this is such a time. The unbridled, unkempt, raw worship being wrung from within us to the very throne of God. It isn't fancied up. It isn't rehearsed or planned out... it's brought forth in tears and praise in the same raspy breath, "Jesus." 

So though I would have never chosen this path for our family, though I would have never wanted these trials, I am so very thankful for Jesus... the one with us in the roses and the trenches, the one with us on the mountain and in the valley, the one with us even in the wilderness. 

He Works Together All Things

Approximately 25 years ago I sat in a church pew most Sundays with my grandma Peggy. I was a little girl who liked twirly skirts and shoes that tapped when I walked. (Surprising now, I know.) Sundays were the perfect time to feel cute and to sit with grandma doing something I knew made her happy.

One Sunday I heard the Pastor preach from Matthew. His message was on being a sheep or a goat. The sermon was simple, sheep go to be with Jesus, goats do not. I wanted to be a sheep. That was my first real encounter with the gospel, and I've carried those verses as part of my testimony ever since. 

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In 2004 - when I was 19 - I worked as staff for a Christian summer camp for students. I was introduced to a young evangelist who was in charge of all of the evangelism efforts at the camp. I was his right hand 'woman'. I watched him and sat beside him on countless nights, at countless camps, with countless students as he introduced them to Jesus and led them through scripture as their eyes were opened and their hearts became receptive. 

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In August of 2005 Aaron and I married. We lived in our old hometown. God moved us around here and there. Then we went back 'home', had a couple of kids, and ultimately felt God was moving us onward. The year was 2011, and the next thing we knew, God had brought us to a church being pastored by that same evangelist I'd worked alongside 7 years ago. 

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Last night, as we were going through our normal bedtime routine, I sat down with the kids to read the Bible. The topic of the night was sheep and the Shepherd. I explained the sheep were people - us - and that the Shepherd was Jesus - that those of us who are sheep hear Jesus' voice, recognize it and follow Him. Memories of my grandma Peggy and my sitting in that pew really hearing the gospel for the first time flooded back, and, in passing, I mentioned to B that God saved me with scripture much like this, about being a sheep or a goat. 

Last night, God led my baby boy to Himself using similar scripture that He called me with. He used the faithfulness of my ( now deceased ) grandmother who faithfully took her grandbaby to church. (I can't imagine the party that ensued...) Lesson 1: The legacy you leave reaches much further than what you can see, and chances are, if you're a Christian, God had been preparing a way for you to get to Him LONG before you were even born.

And today - today I sat in the Pastor's office, hearing him talk to MY little boy just as he had those students 11 years ago. Had I known then... I could not have fathomed. So many times in life we wonder 'why' and 'what was that all about' and 'how does this fit in with God's plan' -- and that brings me to Lesson 2: God always has a plan. He's always working it together for good for those who love Him. Sometimes we can't see it, sometimes we can't understand it, and sometimes we'll never see it, but sometimes, yes, sometimes we get to see a small piece of years worth of God's orchestrating out our lives come to a hard, beautiful collision, and it's awesome and overwhelming and an incredible blessing. 

His love for us is beyond anything I can understand. 

For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9not a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them.

Ephesians 2:8-10

God is so good. We are so blessed. 

Ramblings Regarding Influence

In what seems like a previous life I had the privilege of walking with my husband in the realm of student ministry. I started a newly-wed, and finished a young mother. My oldest turned three just weeks after my husband accepted the call into full time worship ministry.

All that said to say --- I don't think I ever really 'got it' until now.

By 'it' I mean that I didn't get the weightiness of the trust it took for parents to allow me to be an influencer in their child's lives. Don't misunderstand me. I knew the call itself was weighty. There wasn't a decision made or advice given to a student without a load of prayer involved, but I never thought much about what it required of that parent to allow me the privilege to give that advice.

And this year, my oldest started Kindergarten. You know, it's one of those milestones that few parents, mothers especially, escape from unscathed. There are tears, sometimes many. There is sadness, sometimes great. And there is emptiness, often heavy. I think all parents feel that.

I knew I would be different though. From the moment he started his last year of preschool I knew I would struggle. I've never understood those who pump fists and shout for freedom at the start of a school day. What I don't understand most is passing my child over to a person I've probably never met, for the greatest portion of their best awake hours, to become, in theory, one of the largest influencers in their lives.

I have a problem with that. Just sayin'. (And I'll totally say it outloud... or... well, type it bluntly, I'm totally considering homeschool.)

Please don't judge me. I know a lot of teachers. (I used to work in an elementary school.) I would choose a great many of those teachers to be a providing influencer in the life of my child. I don't know that I would choose many of those to be the primary influencer in the life of my child, and that is not a hit to the teacher at all. For me, it is the weightiness of the responsibility that God gave to me the responsibility of training my baby up in the way of the Lord, and unless I can get to know them for, say, a few years, and then have them endure an in-depth interview process, I think giving that responsibility away from 8-3 every day is preposterous. (Honest, not judging those who feel 100% okay in public school at all, either. I've been one of those for a long time, and I firmly believe God calls us to different things, at different times, for different reasons. AND - we are still in the public school system right now!)

Before I go any further, allow me to mention that this post isn't about public school (or private school, or homeschool, or unschool, or any other kind of school, for that matter). No, this blog isn't even about shielding my children from the world or other ideas that could have been assumed. This blog is actually about the fact that I know, without a doubt, that my child needs us - their parents - primarily in their lives, but they also vitally need other influencers in their lives.

I'm setting us all up here. I'm so thankful for the parents who allowed their student to hang out and talk to me at our house, when I now know that they so badly wanted to be the one talking to them. I'm so thankful they trusted me to be an ally, an advocate for their child, to be their voice. Because, lets face it, at some point, our kids need adults who aren't us.

And here's what this post is about: what am I looking for in an influencer?

My kiddos are still young. I still have a chance to formulate relationships with men and women who can watch my kids as they grow and speak into their lives when the extent of the guidance is the correct way to swing the bat in baseball or how to treat a teammate who just struck out and lost the game for the team. Those relationships will soon be the ones who may get the privilege of talking to my children about the party they've considered sneaking off to, or about the bullying they've endured at school. We are so lucky to have awesome church friends, other parents, ministry leaders, and coaches speaking into the lives of our kids, and, trust me, we've seen our fair share of, well, not good influencers.

Men in the church abandoning their families.
Coaches in little league yelling at kids who aren't their own.
Worse, dads yelling at their own kids and ripping apart their performance.

And it's made us diligent. It's made us ask tough questions. And it all leads me to this (deep breath and drum roll, after that novel):

5 Traits of a Great Influencer:

1. No cowards. For real, be real. Life gets hard. This one is huge. My kid comes to you and wants to sneak out to that party, a great influencer needs to tell them they've lost their ever loving minds and their parents will not deny wrath for such an offense. Feel free to share your own "I tried this and you really shouldn't go down that path" stories. Then, they need to relay the message. Secrets and safety do not mix. Scale the scenario down a notch, and if you happen to be my kids coach or tutor or be teaching them some skill, if my kid's not performing his / her best (hear me, I'm not talking perfection here, their best, which implies that the influencer knows my child well enough to know their 'best performance'), they need to have the grace and the courage to drive them to do their best. And one more biggie on not being cowardly: a great influencer knows when and how to apologize. We are all human, and in relationship, we all make mistakes. I don't care if you're 40 and the time comes to apologize to my 4 year old. Do it. I do. All the time. Is it humbling? Miserably. But we all need that from time to time. Bonus points if you teach my kid the proper times for him / her to apologize, too.

2. Established relationships. This stuff is messy. There's nothing more frustrating to me than someone who doesn't really know me from anyone and wants to start spouting off advice or tell me things I need to change. Nope. Chances are you'll make me mad and I'll do the opposite. Some of the hardest things I've had to hear are from people who love me the most. That established relationship is the only thing that allowed me to really hear and consider what they had to say, and it's also the only thing that kept me in the relationship after the hard thing was heard. Don't think you can choose where you have an influence and where you don't. One thing I learned in student ministry, nothing was 'out of bounds'. Ask any coach, teacher, mentor, etc. You'd be surprised the things that kids / students confide in them.

3.) We have to be on the same page. We live in Texas, and we are Cardinal fans. Chances are, we aren't going to find many friends around here pushing the Cardinals for us to our kids. But- great influencers are going to know our faith, and even if they spiritually don't have all the answers for our kids, they are going to know that our answer is always going to be one that aligns with our faith, and a great influencer will echo that.

4.) They meet our kids where they are. I noticed something during our son's little league baseball game the other day. (May I mention, for the record, we have amazing coaches.) He is in coach pitch now and the coach has tailored a specific style of pitch for every kid. He knows where they like them. He knows where they hit the best. He knows what speed the ball needs to come in, and he knows where it needs to cross the plate. Does he try to stretch them? Yes. But when push comes to shove in a game, if a kid typically hits the one that's fast and a little outside, that is the pitch he's going to throw them. This also aligns with number 2... knowing my kid, but it fits just as well here. My son isn't much of a talker at first. He's a little quiet and gets nervous easy, and the only way to bring him out of that is to talk to him, often, and it's sometimes awkward, but that is meeting him where he is. Eventually, he'll talk back. My little girl, well, she'll talk your ear off. You want to meet her where she's at, you gotta be able to listen. Fast forward 10 years and meeting them where they are may look much different, but a great influencer is going to not only meet them there, chances are they aren't going to leave them there either.

5.) This one goes without really mentioning, but I feel compelled to mention it. Be a good influence. Yeah, I said it. Want to be a great influencer? Set an example for my child to follow. Ultimately, I want them to follow Christ, but they learn what that looks like in a visual way by watching men / women who are already do it. Display attributes they want to mirror. Don't throw your hat and yell at an ump. And if you do, apologize --- to the ump, preferably in front of my kid, and then to my kid (and all the others). Hear me, hear me, I'm just as guilty as the next one. We had a little league game last night and I was off the bench and fuming mad as my little man hit an in the air to center field double then got called out for 'throwing his bat' (he in NO WAY threw his bat, and a boy from the other team had all but taken out the third baseman EVERY time he had batted with no thrown bat call... did I mention this is a U7 league?!). I watched my "young for the league" kiddo CRY in the dugout and my mom claws came out. I had to focus and think about what he was seeing in me at that moment. I aired my frustration in a private way to those around me and didn't end up needing to apologize, but I could have. It happens. It does. But let's think real hard about the behaviors that our kids will come to mimic.

So there it is. Be a great influencer. Be one that is true, present, on our side, flexible and worth mimicking. You are treasured more than you know, as you are being trusted with our most. prized. possessions. We are handing you a bit of the reigns of the responsibility and weightiness that we've been given by God, and trust me, that is not a decision we have taken lightly. And we are ever thankful for those who have allowed us or are allowing us the same investment into theirs. Thanks for traveling this journey with us... it really takes a village. I just prefer to choose mine ;)

What other things do you all look for in a great influencer?

To B & A

In the thick stands a tree
firm and deep rooted,
His leaves the deep thoughts
budding tight in the wind.
Err the wind blows,
the leaves, they don't falter
but dance in the current and hold firm to the end.
Solid and sure his branches jet outward
his roots reach down inward,
his gaze, it transcends.
Absorbing the drink of knowledge and knowing
His words may be few
but his thoughts never end.
Yet near that tree flitting,
dancing and singing
the bird she is flying but doesn't descend.
Rather she rests upon strong reaching branches
While breaking from joyfully riding the wind.
Unlike the tree she moves without thinking
and risks all worth risking and yet does not bend.
Her chirp, quite the giggle, her joy not lacking
all while shamelessly deeming the tree her best friend.
The tree, he is steady, a tree in his being,
Always a branch from him there to lend,
She nests and she rests in all of his glory,
Chirping him love songs again and again.
The tree, in his quiet, he shades and protects her,
lifts her, is with her from now to the end,
And she tickles the bark with innocent nonsense
And she brings forth his laughter, hidden deeply within.
So very different, yet here for each other
the tree and the bird, through thick and through thin
Thoughtful and true meets joyful surrender
Each their own being, yet better as friends.