Conversations With a 4 Year Old

There's something about four year olds that will keep you on your toes.  More often than not, they are honest... brutally honest to some degree.  Just tonight, thoroughly out of the blue, B looked right at me and said, "I love daddy more than I love you."  A knife in the heart would have felt better.  His words hurt me deeply.  It hurt that my heart drowns in love for both of my children, and yet, at the ripe age of four, there's already someone he loves more than me.  (I really thought this would wait until girls entered his life... hmmm.)  But that wasn't what hurt the most, after-all, if he is going to love someone more than me (aside from the Lord), I want it to be his daddy.  No.  What hurt the most was that I wasn't disciplining him, I wasn't upset with him, he said it casually at dinner, like there was nothing hurtful about what he said.  It was honest.  There's that knife again.  

But - believe it or not - that's not the conversation I wanted to write about.  No, this conversation happened yesterday, again, completely out of the blue.  As we traveled in the car to fulfill 'Ans party duties', B was having a conversation with us about something random and completely not serious when he said, "Jesus lives in our hearts."

At this point, I'm used to this part of the conversation.  About a year ago when this subject was broached the first time, I very gently and honestly told him that yes, when we come to know Jesus and have a relationship with Him, and when we have faith in Him to save us from the bad things we do to repair that relationship with Him, then He comes to live in our hearts."  

I never wanted to give him the false sense that he's already saved.  We've been in ministry long enough to see that a lot of times the biggest obstacle to someone coming to faith, is believing they are already in it.  I've vowed not to contribute to that in my kids lives. 

So - when he said again yesterday, "Jesus lives in our hearts," I gently reminded him again that Jesus does desire to live in our hearts when we come to know him.  It was what happened after I said this that shocked me. 

After a very short pause B replied, "Sometime, when I go to bed, and it's dark, and I'm in my room and in my bed, and no one is there but me, I ask Jesus to be in my heart."  

As my eyes well up with tears and I try to wrap my head around what to say I look over at Aaron who is staring at me the same way.  How many salvation conversations have we had with people throughout the years???  But there's something about it being your own child, your own young child that makes the situation SO fragile. 

We asked B if he has done this or if he was going to do this, to which he replied that he was going to, and we continued to talk about what it means, in four year old words, when Jesus lives in our hearts.  

The hubs and I joked with each other that we needed to call the Pastor / Children's Pastor.  We understand, to some degree, why parents always wanted us to deal with the spiritual matters of their youth... it's less responsibility if we can push it on to someone else... it makes it much less scary, but then the minister also receives the blessing... and I want to be part of the blessing of my kids' salvation experiences.  Even if Bryton does love daddy more ;) 

One way or another -- Jesus is moving in the life of my four year old little man.  We are waiting to see what continues to grow and develop in him, and in the meantime we are praying our little hearts out that Jesus makes B's spiritual needs crystal clear, and gives us wisdom to wade these waters we've not even stuck our toes in yet... but I can tell you this, friends, the water is fine... 

-A

My Sweet Little Girl

You all know how I work, I either blog (emphasis noted), or I don't blog (again with the emphasis).  Apparently there is no happy medium, and as I've done a lot of reflecting and remembering over the past couple weeks, (um, my youngest is nearing two, ya'll!) I decided to go back and re-read those blogs from the beginning of her days.  I don't know why I had never really put my thumb on it before, but these blogs are precious treasures friends.  As a picture paints a picture of only a moment, some of the blogs have brought back entire days and seasons worth of memories.  And my initial thought: 'What have I done, but missed a huge chunk of their lives in silence?'

You know me, drama queen.  And so I'm back, maybe not daily... but often enough to have memories to look back on.  If I bore you, I apologize, I'm realizing anew this is just as much for me as it is anyone else.

So let's talk about this sweet girl of mine.  (The girl, specifically, only because her birthday is nearing.  My boy is abundantly sweet to me as well.  Just tonight he smiled at me from across the room and said, "Momma, you are my best friend."  Insert large tear.  Man, I love that kid!)

Years ago I felt deeply that our family was not complete with the three of us, but I never could have imagined - at that time - what this sweetheart would add to our family.  Where B and I are sometimes cautious, she brings fun.  She's mischievous and sweet... all at the same time.  Her smile lights up every room she's in - and that's not just my opinion, her teachers say it all the time, too.

She loves her 'dolly', and her 'ooo ahh ahh' (monkey), and her 'Mimmy' (Minnie).  She sleeps with them all.  She loves to accessorize  and more often than not, the first word from her mouth in the morning is "bow", as she points to her bow holder.  And - Lord forbid - we don't choose the right one.

 She hops around on Bryton's green jumping ball like it's going out of style.

She loves to watch Mickey.

And pick out her own clothes.

And kiss her bubba good night.

And brush her teeth.

And she says 'apple' when she refers to any fruit.  

I'll be honest.  I was worried about having a girl and fixing hair and buying clothes, and admittedly, I'm still figuring it out.  But there's not a day that goes by that I don't look at her and revel in her beauty, that I don't find joy in her laugh, that I don't take a deep breath and just enjoy when I'm holding her and she rests her little head on my shoulder and wraps her arms around me, as little as she can.  I know how quickly the season passes.  To think it's been two whole years - and yet, at the same time - only two years ago (it's been a crazy two years, folks), since this sweet beauty was brought into our lives... it's really unexplainable.

There's something about 'two' - two seems to take us straight out of baby-hood and into toddlerhood (though we've been there for sometime.)

And there's the quick update on where our baby is just shy of the big t-w-o.

Hopefully some fun pictures, and more posts, coming soon...

A

A Whole Lot of Scatterdness

There's such a great deal going on in this mind of mine right now.  There are a slew of goals I've set, somewhat subconsciously, a result of the new year and the possibilities of success.  The new year, in and of itself, brings about a whole realm of weirdness to me every year.  I'm not the horn and confetti type of New Year's girl.  Maybe if I were I wouldn't be the glass half empty, "yikes, what will this year bring," kind of pessimist.  That's me being honest, folks.  But I continually wonder what it is about a New Year that makes us want to conquer the world, or at least makes us set out to try new adventures (or old ones... like getting in shape...).  Anyhow - I didn't do the formal 'sit down and brainstorm it out' kind of goals this year.  But rather, when I thought of something I wanted to accomplish, and felt it feasibly possible, I wrote it down.  Here are a few of the 'feasibly possible' I've come up with:

• I'm setting a once a month goal.  January was to get us dental insurance... and I've done it.  (Now to make the appointments.  Did I mention I hate the dentist.  I know hate is a strong word, but I do.) In February, I'd really like to set a 'eat out once a week ONLY' goal.  For serious.  We'll see how the family reacts.
• I want to run 5 - 5k's.  The half marathon was a little ambitious last year... but if I can accomplish the real goal of running consistently all this year, I may be able to accomplish the half marathon I want to run next year.  I have about 14 months to prepare.  Surely.  But we'll wait until next year to set that goal.  
• Here's a gutsy / financial goal.  I need / want my wisdom teeth taken out this year.  I know it's not much of an 'accomplishment', but with no insurance to cover it, it'll be a huge accomplishment to fund it.  Then, I have to get the courage to do it.  
• Also in the financial realm - I've got my heart and mind set on a trip to Disney with the kids for 2014.  It sounds like a 2014 goal, but it means we have to start preparing in 2013.  The goal is to fund 2/3's of the trip in our savings account.  
• Also financial, there a few 'extra accounts' I'd like to get set up.  I'll leave it vague, but with all the extra funding this year, I may need an extra job :/  This will definitely have to be, as Dave Ramsey puts it, a 'live like no one else, so you can live like no one else' kind of year... (lifestyle?). 
• Another goal is to finish the book I started last year.  Yeah, that was last year's aspiration too.  But you know the difference?  For the first time in my life I don't care much what happens to it after it's written... I care that I've felt called to write it, and I desire to be faithful in that.  
• And lastly - here's a random goal for you - I want to get out to the gun range, learn how to shoot well, and get myself a gun.  I know, right.  

How's that for great randomness?  But seriously, these are all things that would lead me into '14 with a greater sense of security and in a better frame of mind.  (Ok, Disney is a stretch on that front, but we all need a vacation now and again, right?)

It's amazing.  We were singing 'overcome' on Sunday during worship, and these aspirations have been swirling randomly through the back of my mind throughout the weeks of this new year, and the chorus rang, "All authority, every victory is yours," and though I know the heights and depths of the weight of that victory, I can't help but know that even these small daily victories are His as well.  Every step ran and not walked is a victory (trust me on this one) that He must get the glory for.  Every penny put in the savings is a victory that He is responsible for.  Every shot on the gun range, oddly enough, accomplishes something that I feel has been on my heart for sometime, a responsibility that He's asked of me.  And every victory is His... and every failure is mine.  It gives me a new zest, a new zeal to be successful, so that God can receive glory from me in all things.

He's been surprising me in the places He has shown up lately: through the mouth of my four year old as he sings worship songs and plays his drums, making me yearn for salvation to come to our house, in His time.  It's come through the story of Moses, and the revelation that God is not only love, friends, He is also wrath... a concept difficult, but necessary, to teach to our children.  He's taught me the great relief that is Jesus' sacrifice on the cross.  I've known it in head knowledge, but He's making it ever fresh as I struggle through the pages of Leviticus... through the repetitious sacrificing of doves and lambs and offerings made precisely a certain way, He's revealed to me that obedience may have been too much for me, for most, during a time when cleansing was so complicated.  He's testing my heart for the lost and unchurched, He's revealing to me the protection a church offers the sheep, He's reminding me of the weightiness of our call to take the Gospel to the world and to love immensely.  

It is a welcomed time, friends, a time the precursors a terribly busy time in my life.  My one job becomes two, B's t-ball starts again, and our church services, by God's grace and for His glory, change from one weekly service to two.  It is my prayer that the busy-ness does not diminish the Lord's will and direction in my life,  but rather would give our family the opportunities to thrive in our goals, to thrive in our work, and to thrive in our call to take the Gospel forth and to love people well, all for the glory of God.

It's a sweet time, ya'll.  And I'm thankful for all of the many blessings that He has lavished upon us.  I'm reminded how unworthy I am.  Reminded that what I deserved was misery and death... no peace, no joy, no hope, yet the Lord has turned my mourning into dancing...

Until next time -
A

A Series of Unfortunate Events

Well - we did it.  We made it back from the Griswold Gregg Family Christmas seemingly unscathed.

Sure, we are more than a little tired, we have a house with way too many toys, and now we have memories that will last a lifetime.  Whether that is good or bad is yet to be decided.

You see, our traveling north for Christmas was a little more... hmmmm... difficult than what one would have expected.  As the madness continued, I was asked to blog the adventure once the adventure concluded.  Apparently, it was a week long adventure, and it may not yet be over, but here is what transpired:

Early December:  We decide to drive our family (two adults, one 4 year old, one 20 month old) back to Missouri / Illinois to see family for Christmas.  We make the decision to leave the day after Christmas.

A few days later:  We alter the decision to leave around 2 p.m. Christmas day, spend the night in a hotel, and get to our destination earlier on the 26th.  A hotel was booked in Little Rock, Arkansas through priceline.

December 20th:  The forecast is beginning to call for snow.  Lots of it in our old hometown, and strong winds and snow throughout most of our route.  We watch the forecasts for the next four days and decide to leave at noon instead of 2 to get to our hotel earlier and beat the worst of the weather.

December 25th:  I arise early and wait with anticipation for B's door to open and see his gifts.  Finally, at about 8, the door finally opens, and we continue to rip open paper for the next hour.  I then fix homemade doughnuts, the kids play with toys, the husband and I load the van, and I take two excedrin for the migraine that is brewing.  Just before noon, we load the van.  Kids are excited.  I am nauseous.  Stupid headache.  "No talking in the van!"

December 25th, 12:10 p.m.:  The husband mentions that there are he and two other not nauseous mouths that need fed.  "Who can think of food right now?  I'm dying."

December 25th, 12:13 p.m.:  We discover regretfully that most restaurants and establishments close on Christmas day.  Uh-oh.

December 25th, 12:16 p.m.:  I give the hubs the warning, "If I ask you to pull over, don't ask questions."

December 25th, 12:20 p.m.:  We spot an open McDonalds on route!  I shiver at the thought of food, then make the executive decision to visit the facilities inside to try to will the homemade doughnuts out of me.  Everyone who has had migraines knows... sometimes relieving the nauseousness is the best thing for us.  Hubs continues through the drive through.  I order nothing.

December 25th, 12:22 p.m.: (tmi warning) I will myself to throw up, immediately feel better, walk around the building to find my family in the drive through and proceed to order some fries and a sprite. Life is good... well, better.

December 25th, approx. 3:00 p.m.:  The adventure begins.  The check engine light comes on.  Within minutes we realize that the illuminating of the check engine light is coupled with a vibration when the van moves into passing gear.  We make the decision to try to continue to Little Rock.

December 25th, 3:20 p.m. :  I'm doing what I do and looking up worst possible scenarios on my phone.  I suggest having it looked at somewhere before we cause major damage.  I'm quickly reminded it's Christmas day.

December 25th, 3:30 p.m.:  The van is feeling worse.  We teeter with the idea of driving back home, but what good does that do us?  It's closer to Little Rock now.  We make the decision to see if there's a Mazda dealership in Texarkana.  If so, we may get a hotel there.

December 25th, 3:45 p.m.:  I find a car dealership, and a hotel right next to it, in Texarkana.  We pray they are open the next day and there is room in the Inn.  Feeling a lot like Jesus right now.  It also starts to sleet / snow.  We discover how awful people in Texas drive in the snow.  Less than a few miles and 9 cars off the road.

December 25th, 4:00 p.m.:  I walk into the Fairfield Inn and Suites in Texarkana and inquire about a room.  Room booked, portable crib acquired, crisis, seemingly averted.

December 25th, 4:30 p.m.:  Our overnight bag and each human is in the designated hotel room.  Hubs has inquired about the dealership the next day, which plans to open at 7:30, and we decide we are hungry.  Time for Christmas dinner!

December 25th, 4:34 p.m.:  We, once again, realize it is Christmas day and begin calling an entire list of restaurants to see if they are open.  After 20+ failures, hubs ventures down to the front desk to inquire about food.  An Ihop about 5 miles down the road is open.  That means getting in the sketchy van in the nasty weather.  We consider trying to find a gas station.

December 25th, 5:00 p.m.:  It's decided.  We can't eat gas station food for Christmas!  It's on to Ihop.

December 25th, 6:30 p.m.: Back to the hotel.  Kids are crazy.  Going to be an early night to bed.  Mickey it is!

December 25th, 8:00 p.m.:  Everyone is in bed.  Ansley is screaming.  This isn't like her.  I take pity, get up, love on her, and we decide to move her crib right next to ours.  I rub her back until she falls asleep.

Progression of Night: repeatedly get karate kicked by the sleeping four year old, finally get up and move to the love seat, Ansley wakes crying in the middle of the night (also rare), I soothe her, climb back in bed, she falls asleep on my arm on the 'safe side' (as in, away from her brother), I let her lay for a few minutes and attempt to move her, which wakes, her, and it starts again.  I rub her back in the crib, she falls asleep, all is well, and hubs starts snoring.  It's 2:30.  I'm just about to doze for the first time and I notice darling daughter is standing smiling at me.  It's now 3 o'clock.  I concede, if her laying with me gets me any sleep, I'm up for it.  She lays super still for the next several hours, but never drifts off, and occasionally taps my face to smile at me or plays with my hair.  At 6 I've had it and I jump in the shower.  Only an hour and a half until the shop opens and this will be over.

December 26th, 7:00 a.m.:  Hubs takes B and they head to the dealership.  The early bird gets the worm, right?!

December 26th 8:00 a.m.:  Hubs and B are shuttled back to the hotel with the information that the mechanic won't even be in to look at it until 8:30.  Sigh.

December 26th, 9:30 a.m.:  We hear!  It's a coil, going to take until 11 or so and it will get us back on the road!

December 26th, 10:45 a.m.: The phone call comes, it's done!  Courtesy car is coming!

December 26th, 10:47 a.m.:  Call back.  Courtesy car is unavailable.  Going to be 20-30 minutes.  Hubs decides to walk over.

December 26th, 11:00 a.m.:  We are checked out, packed in, and ready to go.  Restaurants are open today!  Burger King it is.

December 26th, 11:10 a.m.:  As we are entering the interstate the van shutters a little.  Hubs and I look at each other.  I ask, "is the light back on?"  He says, "No, but I'm going to call them just in case."  We keep driving.  Hubs calls, gets no one, leaves a message, and we take it easy and waits to hear back.

December 26th, 12:14 a.m.:  Still no phone call and the check engine light comes back on.  We are halfway between Texarkana and Little Rock.  Hubs places another phone call.  The service manager said they fixed the problem that was present, asks us if we can turn around and bring it back.  We decide to at least get to Little Rock which is an hour closer to our destination as opposed to going back an hour in the wrong direction.  Little Rock has a dealership.  Service manager tell us to keep him posted.

December 26th, 12:52 a.m.:  We come up on stand still traffic on the interstate.  No movement.  Lots of snow.  We wait.  And we wait.  And we wait.  The car shutters.  Only 30 more miles to Little Rock.

December 26th, 1:18 p.m.:  We have moved mere yards.  A woman is walking down the interstate to find out information.  Her result: Little Rock got hit hard, the back up is 14 miles long to get past fallen trees and ice.  Oh... and all of Little Rock is out of power.  (Which would explain why none of the car dealerships I've been calling have answered their phones.)  New decisions to be made.  There's no where to turn around, Texarkana is too far the wrong direction now, we are praying that there are people AT the car dealerships even if the phones and power are down.  Praying.

December 26th, 3:30 p.m.:  We finally make it the 30 miles to Little Rock (after passing many snowmen on the interstate).  We drive to the car dealership, which is vacant and definitely not open.  We reconsider our options.  We think about renting a car, call several rental car places, which are also not answering and out of power, and decide that if any place will have electricity, it's the airport.  We head off to make the 20 minute drive to the airport.

December 26th, 3:50 p.m.: Hubs enters the airport to inquire about a rental car.  While he's in there the check engine light begins blinking (which, according to the manual means "do not drive").  He returns empty handed.  The quote was more than $700 for a week.  He makes the decision to drive on to Memphis (the next closest car dealership... and they have power, and a rental car), which is two hours on a good day on good roads.

December 26th, 4:10 p.m.:  We find ourselves outside of Little Rock at the only available open restaurant, a KFC / Taco Bell.  It's filthy, covered in ice, and packed.  We leave about 10 minutes after we get there empty handed.

December 26th, 4:25 p.m.:  We are nearing the exit for the airport (again) on the way to Memphis when I express my concern about the still blinking check engine light.  We drive another 20 minutes back to the airport to get a quote from a different counter.

December 26th 4:50 p.m.:  A nice man from the avis counter gets me a full sized car (which is a slight issue with the van load of stuff we have), for half the price of the other quote.  I take it and leave with a set of keys and a Chevy Impala.

December 26th, 5:15 p.m.:  I have followed the hubs back to the closed car dealership where we unload all of our luggage, packages, and children into the pint sized car, (of which I had to change our daughter on the front seat at 35 degrees) write a note on the back of a check register, drop it and the keys to our decrepit van into their slot and leave it there.  We have every intention of driving the 6 hours to our destination.  Our trip starts with a promise from Hubs to B that, "I'll get you to Gaga's house tonight, I promise."

 December 26th, 5:45 p.m.:  B announces from the backseat, "I don't feel good."  Which matches his ghostly complexion.  In that moment I did three things: I yanked the cord to the dvd player, realized we all needed to eat (still in a town with no power), and realize that my son has not used the restroom or drank anything since we left Texarkana.  I conclude that I'm a horrible parent.

December 26th, 5:50 p.m.: We are praying B doesn't throw up, as we take an exit for a McDonald's, which turns out to be closed.

December 26th, 6:00 p.m.:  We take a different exit with a sonic right next to a gas station.  I get B out at the gas station, armed to make him pee and to buy some bottled water (just in case), when, as we are standing in the below freezing temps with no coats we notice the white sign on the door, "closed due to weather."  We walk back to Sonic where the hubs is and I take B to pee there.  He pees, and pees and pees.  Confirmation: I'm a bad mother.  Bright side: the cold air looks to have made him feel better.

December 26th, 7:51 p.m.:  We have all eaten, B seems better, but once again, we are now stuck on the interstate due to road work.  I suggest a hotel (regretfully, but our estimated arrival time is 2:30 a.m. now), to which the hubs replies, "no".  He'd promised B, after all.

December 26th, 9:00 p.m.:  We've hardly moved, and I make the call to the Embassy Suites in Memphis.  We've stayed there before, and there is two rooms... this girl has to sleep tonight, which means kids in their own place!  Hotel room booked.  Now to get there.

December 26th, 10:58 p.m.:  We arrive at the hotel, carry in kids, no luggage, make up beds, and hit the hay.  Nighty night.

December 27th, 6:30 a.m.:  B wakes, but miracle of all miracles, we all slept a little!  We decide against attempting to unpack the trunk to get to our clothes, and we all wear the clothes that we've slept in and driven in the day before, to get back in the car after breakfast.

December 27th, 10:40 a.m.:  B has mentioned once or twice that he needs to pee... in the snow.  So only a half hour away from our destination (and mere moments from the nearest gas station), we concede and he pees in the snow on the side of the road.  More confirmation on the parent thing...

December 27th, 11:14 a.m.:   A mere 47 hours after leaving, we arrive at our destination!  The car dealership that we left our van at still isn't open.

December 28th:  And they still aren't open.

December 29th: They finally call:  another coil is shot, and spark plugs need replaced.  They tell us to replace all coils as when one goes out, they all will eventually.  We concede.  It will be ready Wednesday on our way back through.

December 30th:  We pack the 'full-size' car with all of our luggage with the addition of Christmas gifts to the kids from grandparents... geared up for the next set of Christmas in Missouri.  It's a two hour drive, and it is tight.

December 30th, 2:00 p.m.:  The kids have opened all of their Christmas presents, and I'm feeling hopeful we can make them all fit, until Uncle Mark pulls out the big guns.  Kid sized Mickey and Minnie dolls.  The hubs and I just look at each other.

January 1st, 2:00 p.m.:  The hubs and I get in the rental car to run an errand.  As he's shutting his door, it keeps bouncing back open.  He looks at me, I laugh.  He gets out to see the handle is stuck in the cold.  Easy fix, but typical to the trip.

January 1st, 9:00 p.m.:  I begin rolling and a stuffing and a packing and a throwing as best as I can.  Hubs works the jigsaw of a puzzle out to get everything in the car.  We joke that the trunk may be like a jack in the box.  Only a few items are left for the morning.

January 2nd, 7:45 a.m.:  We are packing all of the last pieces in the car, when I realize both kids will be sitting with their feet in their chairs.  It's only 6 hours, right?  Van should be done at 2, and we get on the road.

January 2nd, 10:45 a.m.:  We pull off to gas up and grab lunch.  As we are getting out of the car the hubs phone rings.  It's the dealerships.  Mazda is a day behind on parts.  No shipment will be made today.  He talks for another ten minutes with them repeating, "this is really bad."  The conversation ends with him explaining that they'll need to provide us with a rental car (ours is due back) and a hotel room.  We start rearranging plans.  It will be tomorrow afternoon before the car is done now.

January 2nd, 11:15 a.m.:  The dealership calls back.  Somehow they've scrounged up one coil, and say it will get us home.  Hubs questions why they'd been so adament about replacing the 5 before, but they are confident this should do it, but it could be 4 before it's ready.

January 2nd, 3:40 p.m.:  We pick up the van, find out we've paid $48 in freight charges for the shipping of the parts we didn't even get, hubs protests charges and we're given a customer service number.  Rental car is unpacked, van is repacked, rental car is driven the 20 minutes back the wrong direction to the airport.

January 2nd, 10:30 p.m.:  The rest of the trip is uneventful, and 14.5 hours after leaving, we are pulling into our garage, with only one decision left to be made:  Next time, we fly.

Phew.

*EDIT*:  Check engine light is BACK on... *sigh*